So today I had a spot of inspiration. Not a giant leap of understanding, but just a general milling of understanding beating just beneath my heart of hearts. I know quite a few people right now that are working on personal issues. Some of them are of a spiritual nature, and some are of a physical nature. What struck me today, was one of the physical issues. It’s about weight-loss and body image. I think I’m finally qualified to talk a little bit about the subject.
Lately, oh say, over the last year or so, I’ve semi-resolved to do a little makeover of my own self on both the inside and the out. My personal challenges on the inside are not necessarily germane to understanding this concept, but instead a necessary part of understanding internal motivations. What I mean is, we all come with a little baggage right? Some of us have mothers that love us and prop us up and tell us we are the entire world, others have mothers that feel their best way to assist you in your personal growth is to tear you down a notch and offer, “constructive criticisms”. I’ll be honest, I’ve never dealt with the former. I’ve always enjoyed a family that consistently buoys up my self-image and beliefs in what’s possible. For others of course, that’s not the case. Additionally, we may come from an abusive home, be it emotional or physical. We may come from a divorced family, we may come from a staunch religious family but be the 11th kid in succession. Whatever. I think it’s just important to take stock in what we’re personally dealing with and be honest about it.
Lately I’ve been attending racquetball with the boys either once or twice a week. In addition I’ve resolved, mostly through my lovely wife’s example to get up each morning (and yes, most Saturdays) and take full and complete advantage of the facilities where I work. I’ve had somewhat of a regimen and it worked up until the point where I hit a plateau and failed to see further progress. Let me back up a little. I joined the military right out of high school. During my time in the Navy I had little or no problems keeping fit. Once I left military service, for about a five year period, I no longer had someone breathing down my neck to ensure I stayed fit. My external motivation never transitioned to internal motivation. Then, about a year before September 11th, I had a feeling. No, the Lord told me that he expected me to again join the military service. This time with the Army National Guard. I of course told the Lord he was somehow mistaken, that I’d already served our nation, and that he must have gotten his wires crossed with someone else. After much argument back and forth betwixt the two of us, He finally convinced me I wasn’t getting out of this one.
Well, I went to meet with a recruiter. Part of the recruitment process is of course a physical evaluation and weigh-in. Well, as embarrassing as this is, I had to meet with him about five times over a ten month period to just make the initial weight requirements to enter service again. I was humiliated. There’s nothing worse than taking your shirt off in some Gold’s Gym and having a tape around your middle that exceeds your personally perceived pant size by 6 or 8 inches. But the Lord kept telling me to move forward, and so, a little at a time I lost a couple of pounds. I’ll be honest, I think I just squeaked by when I went to weigh in to reenlist. I was about 238-240 lb at 5’9” tall. Luckily my fat neck somehow off-set my fatter middle and I made it back in.
Well, from there, I went to Officer Candidate School. I was well liked, and did well academically, but I failed my run to ship to South Dakota to complete my training. I felt like a floating turd I tell ya. I distinctly remember one of the TAC Officers behind me in a HMMWV yelling, “Nobody wants to follow a fat captain!” or something to that regard. Well, that’s external motivation again. Guess what? I failed. It was humiliating. I had to go back to my unit for a year and wait to go back to OCS. I’ll be honest, I’m glad I did. It gave me some time to take stock of my situation and where I wanted to be versus where I was. Additionally I learned some leadership lessons I’m not sure I would have gleaned otherwise.
Well, the next year, at about 215 lb I re-entered the program. I shipped to South Dakota, this time for a fast-track program that lasted about 10 weeks. It’s like fat-camp on steroids. You just plain don’t sleep or get rest and nobody wants to hear your lame excuses as to why you can’t be a leader and a motivator of troops.
I exited OCS at about 172 lb. I had to buy a pair of pants at the local wal-mart and a belt because my clothes I brought no longer fit. I distinctly remember looking at the label over and over and seeing, “32” on it in complete bewilderment. It wasn’t until I got home and everyone kept telling me I looked 18 again that it really sunk in.
Well guess what? External motivation ruled the day. The past few years I’ve worked on my internal motivations and I feel I’m getting better. Every few days I remind myself that nobody wants to follow a fat captain. It’s true you know. Soldiers just think that way. If you can’t take care of yourself, what makes you think you can take care of me? Guess what? They are completely correct. If my Soldiers can’t move forward and are constantly wondering why there are multiple standards for everyone, how can they trust me to lead them? Well here we are, I’ve been commissioned 8 years almost. I’m actually eligible for Major in the spring of this coming year. From a buck-sergeant who started as an E-1, they’re going to make this kid from Riverton, Utah a Major. Here’s the other thing. This past two years I’ve been in command of the State Headquarters unit. EVERYONE is a critic here. You know who they don’t want to follow? A captain, let alone a fat captain. So, again my motivation had to shift from external, further into the realm of internal. Right now, today, I’m riding about 200 lb even. But there’s a difference. I’d say I’ve got 20lb more muscle than when I entered service again 8 years ago. I think ideally at 190 lb I’d be golden. But, I’m fighting ten pounds. Anyone who’s ever tried knows those are the hardest to get rid of too.
So what am I doing? Crash diet? Lypo? Nope. I had to take a cold hard look at what’s holding me back. 52 oz of diet soda twice per day for starters. Argue all you want, but the carbonation coupled with the perceived sugar sensation causes our bodies to get fouled up trying to regulate insulin and other critical levels. What else? Well, my wife as an external motivator, started working out. We’ve had some severe issues as a couple the past couple of years, and I think she finally just decided to finally take care of herself instead of me and my bratty kids. To which I applaud and try to assist in anyway possible. She’s finally internally motivated. So motivated in fact that at her fifth pregnancy I think she’s more healthy and more fit than I’ve ever seen her. Teenage dreams included.
Well, in addition to Stacey’s example, being the unit commander for the State Headquarters, I’ve had some personal challenges of my own to contend with. Some demons if you will. I’ve had to really take stock of who I am as a person versus who I want to become. I had to stop telling myself that this was just the way I am and everyone else needed to get over it. I’m fluffy, but loveable so leave me alone quit working as well. My own internal issues gave me pause to wonder about my self-worth. My standing with my Heavenly Father, my level of involvement in my marriage, and my desire to be the best dad the world has ever known. My challenges, are such that Satan whispers to me that good enough, is…well good enough. I’ve had to fight him off and tell him that my Heavenly Father expects so much more of me and push him out completely. Which, is a real challenge considering what he offers me is sometimes delectably preferable to real-life and its challenges.
So, why am I telling you all this? Well, I think too often I get lambasted with people saying things that to me don’t take into account my own personal struggles. Very very few people know what my family and I have had to deal with the past couple of years. People look at our home, our neighborhood, our beautiful children, my perfect wife, and my new suit and make a whole lot of assumptions about us that just aren’t true. It’s offensive to me at times. Why? We’ve worked for everything we have. Nobody handed it to us. We each got an education. That was tough. We sacrificed for our first home, a two bedroom. We buy and pay cash as we go. I drive a 15 year old pickup. We don’t have cable, and our cell phones are antiques. Why? Because we’re doing the best we can to follow what we know to be right. Well, how does this factor into a discussion on weight issues? Here goes, people seem to assume that we’re the perfect family. That my perfect canning wife, and the perfect military husband just plain do no wrong. Not the case. I’ll tell you what, I’d trade you demons straight across in a heartbeat. Satan has put his angels to work tearing my family apart like I’ve never seen before. It’s become an internal motivator for us too. We’re going to beat him. To me, the fact that he tells me I’m destined to fail, makes me know my Father in Heaven knows so much better. That he would work so hard to tear us down, tells me our family stands at the crossroads at a pivotal time.
OK, so here’s my “advice” for you. You need to quit being externally motivated. Nobody is going to slap cookies out of your hand. Nobody is going to fault you for having a cheeseburger every day at lunch. Oh, by the way, you’re not even a bad person for doing so. That’s not my point. My point is, how much does that slow you down from what you know you can really become? Are you everything you know your Father in Heaven expects? Are your thoughts generally clean? Are your efforts 100%? Or are you living the status-quo life? Hey, I’m not judging anyone BELIEVE me. All I am saying, is have you really taken stock of who you really are, and what He expects you to become? This past year, I’ve run through that thought. Every day, fifty times per day. It’s been horrendous. Am I lying to myself in any capacity? Am I living the way my Father wants me to? Am I the husband I should be? Am I the father I can be? What are my real no-kidding motivations? All these and others rattle around in this crow-magnon skull of mine. I think I’m honest with myself each and every day. When I learn something new, I plug it right back in and see if everything I thought still makes sense. Meanwhile, I’ve decided to step up my game. Satan doesn’t want me to be the best officer I can be. He certainly doesn’t want me inspiring others in my command nor my peers. CERTAINLY not my superiors! Which makes me try harder. I’ll be honest, I’m a little vain at times. I’ve mowed the lawn with my shirt off a couple of times. Why? Well, it’s embarrassing to have those love-handles, and I figure, if I continually have to feel self-conscious about them, well maybe I’ll take that extra step I’ve been holding out on.
I’ve seen great strides physically lately. Things I want to maintain and certainly improve on. But what’s odd, is that the spiritual aspects are the hidden gems associated with it. I feel more confident than I was before about my spirit tabernacle. I feel like it’s a gift and I should treat it as such. I’m a little more careful with night-time snacks and goodies. I of course allow myself plenty of goodies, in moderation, and at appropriate times. But nobody slaps my hand when I reach for the ice-cream at nine pm. That’s all inside. That’s my internal desire finally taking over.
Well I tell you all this not to pretend I have all the answers. Certainly not to pretend I’m all that. Not at all. I’m very aware of my personal challenges and issues, and my struggles are certainly not yours. However, I want you to take stock of yourself. Where you’re really headed. Physically AND spiritually. I want you to resolve to be internally motivated. I want you to WANT to be motivated. I want you to come up with an individualized personal plan to make yourself successful in those regards. I am writing this, because if you’re reading it, you’re my friend. I always am wiling to lay my heart bare if it will help out a friend who is in any type of need.
Anyhow, I gotta go. You have a great day and know I’m thinking about you. Talk your left hand into slapping your right hand until you find a system. Then stick with it. It’s taken me so far a life time and I’m not really where I want to be. But you know what they say about the journey of a thousand miles; it begins with a single step.
Seriously, I gotta go. Love ya to pieces and best to you and yours.
Always,
J
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