OK, here it is. I'm just gonna shoot you straight. I went to a musical the other night. But there's a really good reason. I swear. See, those of you that are regular subscribers to our newsletter know that I continually get my arse handed to me on a regular basis playing racquetball. I'm not going to go over the minute details of where and why. Suffice it to say, one of the offending parties insists on talking smack about it, which I've held my tongue, not because I'm a gentleman, but because I dont want to make him cry. See, Army guys just...know stuff. They can cut right to the very quick and spill your emotional guts out onto the table with little or no effort. So, since I like this guy, I'm breakin' him in easy. In fact, just last week I floated past him a little nuance about teaching his sister spanish. Well, that went over pretty well, but I dont know if we're necessarily ready to trade mamma yokes yet.
So, anyhow, this particular dude, whom we'll call...."Stephan" seems to be able to keep up intellectually. But in discussions with another friend whom we'll call, "Big Show" it was discovered that Scott...er..."Stephan" is somewhat of a homophobe. (NOT that there's anything WRONG with that-George Costanza). Anyhow, Stephan has made it abundantly clear that anything feminine in nature is to be avoided and that as men we have a duty to withhold affections and emotions from those around us. OK, I'm paraphrasing. But I'll be honest, after the previous two months of having my posterior (ironically) handed to me by Stephan, an opportunity for refined vengence came calling. See, in my email box, almost by devine providence, came an offer for FREEEEEEEEEEEE tickets to go see, "Hairspray". Well, never having heard if it, and knowing full-well that my spousal-unit had dropped about 9000 hints that she wanted to attend one, AND being that I'm trying to be a better man, I saw in this a two-fer. Not to mention, my good friend, Big Show, was complicit in the revenge plot and the stage...as it were...was set.
So, over the past couple weeks in anticipation, we've all joked back and forth about the night's festivities. We planned a dinner to the foo-foo-est place imaginable, "Sweet Tomatoes". Well, it turns out the night of the play (Wednesday) Stephan's wife suggested to my wife, "Mimi's" which was equally gay (again...NOT that their's anything WRONG with that-Jerry Seinfeld)...and the trap was set. Well, Big Show and his chica couldnt make it to dinner, so we were alone with the Stephanseses ("Stefahhnns"). So, in my ever-escalating desire to secretly get even, I printed out two coupons for Mimi's AND made reservations to ensure this whole thing was going to go down. Well, I brought the two coupons home, and had my daughter Alexia cut stupid little special scissor cuts around the peripherals of the coupon, and tie a little ribbon on it so that Stephan was forced to use it to pay for the Big Salad at dinner's completion.
Anyhow, so we made Stephan considerably uncomfortable, and our waitress, "Vickie" whom I called, "Francene" was a total tart to our party of party-goers. The checks came and though we both paid with our foo-foo coupons, she failed to take the five dollars off. So the irony again set in.
Well, we went to the play...er...musical...got our tickets...and lemme just tell you...there was a LOT of hand-holding going on. That was just the guys. There were groups of four or five women that were out on the town, just painting it pink, and us...six of us....heterosexual couples. I hugged Stacey throughout the performance let me tell you. Anyhow, it was modestly cheesey, and in parts I definately wondered WHAT I had gotten myself into, but I tell you what, the whole night was worth it.
It was worth it for a couple of reasons. Number one, I love to laugh. I love to have fun with people, and Stephan's uncomfort and Big Show's Straight Man attitude made it all the more perfect. We all took turns cutting at each other, but it was all in good fun. Somehow I got re-named, "Cinnamon" and Stacey suggested I get that tattooed across my lower back. I of course suggested Old English lettering (in keeping with the latino tradition) and it just devolved from there. Stephan's wife seemed to have enjoyed her time, Big Show and Mrs. Big Show enjoyed the evening and laughed, and I guess, if you cornered me, so did I.
So, that's pretty much the scoop. You're caught up at this point I guess so I'll close. I hope you have a great day. I'm just finishing an episode of Dora, and one episode of Shaun the Sheep with Olivia. Next is the lawn, and in tradition, I may just clean out the garage today.
You know I'd love to tell you all this in person but situations dictate it's just not possible. So with that, enjoy your day, enjoy your family, have a "faaahntastic" weekend and we'll catch you again sometime real soon.
All the best.
Always,
J
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