OK, Here it is folks. I'm just gonna lay it out for you. So last night we went with the Browns to watch a movie. I dont want you skipping ahead to find out which one, so I'll just tell ya. Captain America. I'm not gonna lie to you either. I thought the previews made it look like a great show. I mean, I loves me some America. I mean, if I could sit down at a cafe somewhere and order me up some Americana, with a side order of ma and apple pie, I'd do it every day (Calories notwithstanding). So, being an Army dude, anything involving America AND the word, "Captain" I figgered was a two-fer. You savvy?
So anyhow, the Browns snagged the tickets online, presumably because there was a high risk that the 9:45 would be completely sold out by the time we got there. Well, just FYI, not everyone has Friday's off, so you can pretty much get any seat in the house on a Thursday night and walk right in. This is in no way a commentary (as yet) on the watchability of the aforementioned movie. Anyhow, where were we? A yes, so after earing 13 Reward Points at the snacky-shak for two refill mugs, a bucket o' "carn" and some nacho's (con jalepenos) we made for the door. We sat down, for some reason Wayne (Brown) (D.D.S.) insists on getting seats at the very back row each time we go. He says it's the best place to watch a movie but I think he wants to laugh at me for being out of breath by the time I reach the top of the stairs ( a heeeee a heeeeee *gasping*).
So, the lights go down (....in the citaaaye and the sun shineeees on ...the baaaay (Journey btw)) and the movie commences. So about the time that El Capitan gets his super powers (i.e. "muscles") I'm starting to see a lot of holes in this flick. First off, what's in the blue Go-Juice that makes him have muscles and jump like spidey man? It somehow changes his, "cells" to allow them to, "grow". But that's about the amount of background you get. I mean, seriously, for Spidey Guy, it's an irradiated spider. For the Hulk, it's gamma/beta waves or something. Captain A? Yeah, blue Koolaide in little test tubes. Also, for some reason they need an entire city grid of electricity to accomplish activation of the blueberry icey juice. So, right there I'm sort of left hanging.
From thence, his gal-pal (Agent Somethingerother) whom is normally hot as that chick in the new Clash of the Titans and also hot in that show where the guy (ironically Spider Man) is the Prince of Persia and he has a dagger which stops time and blah blah blah blah...anyhow, beautiful eyes, but they dressed her up like my great-aunt Barbara in 1941 and sort of ruined it for me. The whole time she kept blinking her eyes and sort of misting up because she love him (with muscles) and she was just too proud to say it. Whatever. Anyhow, so she shows her affections unmercifully by shooting at him when he least expects it. Sort of to keep his skillz honed I imagine.
OK, from there, he gets this lycra/sharksuit made which can stop an, "Advancing German bayonett" and also a tricked out Harley Davidson which can shoot fire out the back and also take jumps at 50 mph and land perfectly. Oh, additionally, he's sheild is made of 100% "Vibrationum" which last I looked at the Periodic Table, dud-n't exist. Anyhow, just so happens that the ENTIRE world supply of Good Vibrationnisms was used to make a rather boring looking shield which it just so happens suits the Cap'n's fancy. Oh it turns out that Vibrato also has magical properties which allow a simple disk to be thrown like a boomarang and return quite magically to his arm.
What else? Oh, and whomever their on-scene WWII Army advisor was? Yeah, so the Colonel, played by Tommy Lee Jones (who is now....93ish ???) sets up his command post about fifty feet from the German occupied territory. So that when Captain America (whom doesnt follow orders very well btw) saves 400 dudes he can just walk up to the gate and flash his credentials (a gay suit with a white star on it and a mask) and they let him walk right in. Unfriggin' believable. Additionally, apparently the Germans had tanks that were about 20' tall and just failed to use them in North Africa or to repel any of our landings in France or anything like that.
Oh, I forgot the best part. So the bad guy, whom looks suspiciously like a cross between Skeletor (from G.I. Joe fame) and a Candy Apple Red 1940's Willy's 4 door...whom apparently is into leather outfits and dressing like Darth Vader gets ahold of this occult cube thing which apparently is a bridge to the cosmos or some other as yet undescribed level of power. I'm telling you, I simply got ZERO background on how this stuff all works. The cube, which glows like the rocks that Harrison Ford saved for the Indian Village, as well as that Crystal Skull thing on that other show, has these magical properties which can make the ultimate D-Cell battery for use in your laser guns. Oh, also these laser guns disintigrate whomever you shoot but are simply powerless against the magical properties of boomarang-vibrationatum (somewhat harder that "Osmium") but only has an atomic number hovering around 13 (aluminum kids, dont bother looking it up, I've done the homework for you).
ANNYYYYhow. I dont want to ruin it for you, I'll let the movie do that. Suffice it to say, it just...left me hanging. No background. No sub-plots, no catharsis, no Pathos, and barely any Ethos to speak of. I think the ONE exception MIGHT have been had we watched it in 3D and dark-eyes girl walks into the bar in a (candy-apple) red dress and scolds the captain (AGAIN) for not keeping his mind on his mission and his mission on his mind. Re-dic-u-lous. Again with Aunt Barbara's hair it's ruined.
So...I guess alls-Ahm sayin' is good luck with all that. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I almost forgot!!! MY absolute biggest hangup over this whole thing is the way that Captain America does it all on his own. He's the epitome of an Army of One! Yeah, he invites a whole bunch of buddies along to help out, but really, it's just for show. He doesnt need them. He's infallable. Betwixt him and his little .45 caliber 1911 pistol and his Vibratory shield (which apparently DOES accept a subtle non-camo paint scheme) he's got this covered.
So, at the end, not to ruin it, but he wakes up..somwhere (dont read ahead kids!) and his last line is, "I had a date..." And you're like? Huh? What???! Did he just say, "I had a DATE?!" to Samuel L. Jackson?! That's it?! I had a date? Not, "MAN! Has anyone seen Jon's Aunt Barbara? I want to look her up and see if she's still hot at 96 years old. REALLY?! I had a DATE?! Like, that's your setup for a Captain America Dos? Like you believe I'm coming back to see what happens when Agent Doe Eyes hits the 1960s and wears her hair in a beehive?! I'm out! You lost me. Like, the second season of "Lost" I'm out. I just can't handle your ridiculousness in my action movies. Heck, even in Thor, where the guy was obviously running about a 60 I.Q. he at least had the presence of mind to hook up with Natalie Portman! Come on!? Is that the perfect love now? Is that the direction we're headed? We can love each other telepathically but never kiss???!!!!! From six star-clusters away?! Our love will span the reaches of time as long as we dont swap saliva!?! Yer killin' me!
Anyhow, I gotta go. Thanks for letting me rant. You of course know I've got to get some stuff done today. Big day. Picking a peck of pickeling cucumbers at dad's place this afternoon. I'll see you guys around.
I had a date...
Always,
J
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