Weekend at Bernie's

Hey guys. Yeah, I missed you too. Dont get all emotional on me I dont want mascara on my shirt. So this weekend we sort of split the family in two and attacked the State of Utah at two separate ends. I went East to Fruitland, and Stacey went South to St. George. To be honest, I think it's really the first time we've ever taken separate, "vacations". Dont get me wrong here, we didn't go our separate ways or anything, it's just that Stacey and her mom and sisters and my two older daughters all wanted an Estrogen Fest.

See about five weeks ago Stacey started reminding me of this weekend. How I was in charge of Josh and Olivia and that she and Lexi and Busy Izzy where going to watch a swimming princess sing at the Tuacan Amphitheater. I'm not sure if that's how you spell "amphitheater" but whatever. Anyhow, Tuacan is a roundish bowl surrounded by red-rock cliffs that they put on plays about the pioneers and apparently the show, "Grease" and...you guessed it, mermaid princesses. Anyhow, as interesting as that sounded at first blush, I quietly "agreed" that I would be in charge of the oldest and youngest. So Stacey the girls took the good car and it was up to Big Green and I to show Josh and Livy a good time.

Well I told Stacey that I'd just head up to the lot and hang out at the trailer. She looked at me like I was insane. I know that her face said, 'YOU are going to take care of TWO children, ALONE, at the LOT? By YOURSELF? ALONE? THE BABY?!!!'. But thankfully she didnt actually voice it, even if I did feel the level of concern rise in her voice. In fact, she and Lynnette S. (of across the street fame) even joked how they couldn't wait 'till I got home to read this blog about how HORRIBLE it was and how I was run ragged. Well guess what? Contrary to popular believe, I'm not exactly paralized when it comes to taking care of a baby. It's not that big a deal. You just put them in the dog kennel when you go fishing and that's that. Oh, it's important to water them and put shade over the kennel if you're going to be gone more than say five or six hours.

Anyhow, so my dad bought this new side-by-side ATV. $10K worth of side-by-side fun. Super aggressive tires and a dump bucket and even a little cubby box for puttin' stuff like diapers and GPS's and stuff in. Oh, it's important to note here that the seats are black, and if you're going to peel off your shirt to even out your tan before you say...go to Hawaii next month, that you put down a towel or something. Because apparently sweaty mexican sticks to vinyl (Who knew???). Anyhow, I even lathered up with a little SPF 30 for the long drive and the only place I'm sunburned is on my balding head, my shoulders, my chest, my cheeks and my forehead. But other than that, my knees and ankles pretty much made the trek unscathed.

Where were we? Oh, so anyhow, I loaded the kids up Thursday afternoon and headed out into the great known. By the way, it aint easy out West. So, I'd like also to point out, that I did ALL that with one little cooler, two, count them TWO bags, and one dog and the aforementioned kennel. I dont pack like a chick. I didnt have six pairs of sandles for the baby. One pair of walking sandles, one pair of ATV riding sandles and one pair of church sandles (you never know when you'll be asked to sub in the Fruitland Branch) Oh, and that brings up a good point. The church in Fruitland, yeah, it has a cattle guard! How cool is THAT?! Yeah, a friggin' cattle guard to keep cattles and harses and stuff out of the parking lot! Awesome. Too bad I'm never going to go there. Ironically the cattle guard also somehow keeps me emotionally detached from the little white church.

Seriously what were we talking about??? Oh yeah, anyhow, so we rode the four wheeler(s) and we even found a new route up Timber Canyon where I came across this cute (yes I can say, "cute" it wont make me gay) little cabin which was really a bunk-house like a Tuffshed. See, that's what I've been pining for of late. I want a little bunkhouse that's 10x15' on my lot. I got ideas man I tell you. Oh, additionally I hooked up the 15 watt solar charger onto the (new) batteries full-time like. It's important to note that if you get nervous and unplug the quick-release before beddy-bye, you dont let it hang down in the dirt and ground out. Otherwise you wake up ironically with a dead battery.

So, I've got these idea(r)s a rollin' around in my head. I think I'm going to buy two each 100 watt solar panels and put up a little 8x10 tuff shed. I priced one out over at the Depot the other day at $699 (plus shipping and handling). I want to mount the panels on the south roof and get a bank of six to eight batteries. I also ...hey, why are you yawning? That's just plain rude you know! Anyhow, suffice it to say, I'm going to run my little operation, "Off the Grid". Yeah, I've been readin' up on it on the internet, and I'm going to tell Uncle Sam to kiss my arse when it comes to paying utility taxes. I'm going to buy a converter so I can make my own 110 volt plug in thing and run my wife's hair dryer for upwards of six or eight minutes. All for the low-low cost of $600 for the solar panels, and $400 dollars for the batteries...and $700 for the shed. It's so much cheaper than using the noisy generator I already own.

Oh, next installment I may bore you to tears with my plans for dual water tanks and a tower to allow for gravity feed and pressurization. (< That word just looks funny to me). Anyhow, then there's that pesky little issue of dumping sewage. I know you haven't ate yet, so I'll save the details. That's what we were supposed to do with our tax return this year. It was the year of the septic tank. However, we selfishly paid off a credit card and paid tithing. Figured we needed the blessings.

Well kids, I had a great time and I know you just love listening to me drone on and on about the most trivial of stuff. However, I just want to under-score exactly HOW competent I was this weekend. About the only complaint I had or made was that, I Couldn't Believe There Was No Butter. Oh also we ran out of toilet paper which I swear we had purchased extra last go-round. Anyhow, babywipes aren't good for dump tanks but you go to war with the toilet tissue you have, not the toilet tissue you want. Least that's the adaptation of a Donald Rumsfeldism that I been using.

So we're Back in Black, hit the sack and of course you know that it's good to be back. Oh, last thing, the new road between Daniel's Canyon and Fruitland is coming along swimmingly. It's down to one lane in either direction but the new asphalt is laying down perfectly. I love the smell of asphalt in the morning, it's the smell of victory.

Alrighty then, I gotta head upstairs and shave most of my face. I'm going to over-do it and head to church with these kids. Stacey's not back yet, but I want to drive the point home that I can get myself and two kids to church at one in the friggin' afternoon with minimal effort. Heck the way things keep going, my stock will double in price and then split if she keeps setting me unwittingly up for success this way. You're telling me that the three of us kids sittin' in the pew all polished up, with Olivia wearing Little Orphan Livy hair in a pony tail and dad's forehead beading up with sweat isn't going to put me up into the stratosphere where it comes to effort versus results?! Too easy. I'm going to lay it on real thick so some neighbor tells Stacey how calm I seemed in the pew with my arm around the one and my fist not a-thumpin' the other'n.

I gotta go, Livy is putting her foot on the keyboard and dragging cheetoh extract all over my white shirt. How does Stacey get ANYTHING done around here I swear! OK, I know, I stand all amazed too.

So, we'll see you when we see you. Maybe at some stop sign out in Duchesne on our way to get butter. Be good and copious amounts of cowboy love in your direction.

Always,

J