Seriously???!

So today was just one of those days. I think I lost about 50 I.Q. points today. I swear. I was at drill the last three days. Friday through Sunday. Each day successively more ridiculous than the last. Now dont get me wrong, I am not saying I'm the sharpest knife in the drawer, but come ON!

So you may have heard I'm the company commander for a headquarters unit. I'm not going to say which one because although it's germane, it's just not going to be flattering. So we'll talk about issues, not people mkay? It's been said that small minds discuss people and big minds discuss ideas. But what if you're idea is that you're surrounded by small people??? OK, so here we are then.

Anyhow, so today the family support ladies were selling breakfast burritos. You KNOW how I feel about breakfast burritos right? Yeah, thought so. I liked them so much I bought the company. Anyhow, so they show up at 0700 (that's A.M. ya'll) three ladies and two tween-agers to assist our little formation with the pangs of hunger. Ironically of course on Fast Sunday, but I digress. So, they forget ladles. I'm not sure how you spell it, but I'm talking about your various and sundry serving spoons. Too easy. So, I'm surrounded by senior non-commissioned officers and officers alike, at the headquarters of one of the most proficient guard experiences in the world. A virtual cornocopia of knowledge and know how. Only, 1/3 of my Soldiers are going to do organized physical training. i.e. volleyball. You know, because at headquarters units we're all fat.

Anyhow, I espy this youngish (54) sergeant and ask him to locate a couple of ladles for which to facilitate the speedy handling of materiel and bacon and cheese. Mostly because these poor ladies are using a fork and a spoon of the plastic variety to chop-stick portions out of the three or four crockpots in which these delectable sundries are displayed. Anyhow, he receives the mission, and says, "Oh, well Sergeant ________ has a whole box of utensils and cutlery and things that we use for our BBQ's. I'll go get them! And off he goes, virtual cape flying in the wind. So, I go take care of some bidness and about fifteen minutes later come back to check on the ladies. It's at this point, I notice that there are the same spoons and forks being used to dish up miniscule portions. So, I think maybe Sergeant ______ got lost on is way. I mean, it IS upwards of 150 yards.

So I head down to the offices from whence he sprang. NO Sergeant ________. So, I ask this other NCO if she can help me locate the coveted and elusive ladles. FIRST drawer she looks in they appear almost like magic. So I ask her to take them down to the ladies. Well, later on, I'm talking with the First Sergeant. Relaying my frustrations. He's aghast and says he's going to un-ass this Sergeant on my behalf. Mostly because NCO's yell and officers get "upset". So I'm upset. Nobody likes the Captain upset. So, he apparently tears into him. Well a few hours later, right before lunch, these ladles re-appear in our office. Cleaned. So, I'm waiting for Sergeant________ to reappear. But he doesnt, so I personally return them. As I transit to the aforementioned offices, I pass by Sergeant _________ and his side kick Sergeant *___________. Both of them seemingly chowing on fried chicken lunches purchased for drilling Soldiers whom have worked up an appetite from all that paperwork shuffling and ladle chasing. So, as I pass him, I hold them up silently and he yells out, "Hey SIR! Where did you find those?!" and I'm like, 'Really?!' YOU told me that she had them in her desk. I sent YOU to get them. YOU brought back two plastic spoons you friggin' idiot! I swear. But I realized verbalizing all this to a 54 year-old Sergeant was going to go absolutlely NOWHERE. Plus his battle-buddy old Colonel Sanders there was lickin' his chops and his pinkies trying to get the residual grease off his fingers. I mean, you LITTERALLY had breakfast burritos two hours ago and you two fat-bodies are chowing down four portions of fatty-boy fried chicken??!!! I was speachless so I just walked off and replaced them in the credenza.

So, in the intermediate, I am sitting in my office. This Senior NCO says, "Hey sir? Where's your Supply at?" So of course I dont know, I'm always the last to know. So, I say as much and just shirk my shoulders. Well I head out to get something out of my truck. RIGHT next to my truck, in his 1998 Toyota Crapola is the supply NCO. WHAT is he doing you might ask? Well he has his back door open and he's spraying some cleaning solution on it and wiping down the door. He's friggin' detailing his car, on Sunday morning, in the parking lot, NEXT to the company commander's vehicle. ALL while the door to supply is closed and Soldiers who need him are left scratching their heads wondering where the hell he went! So, I say, hey, Sergeant X_________, um, Sergeant Y________ was just looking for you in supply, but the door was closed and he couldnt find you. So he says, "huh...I better go open the door" *Genuine astonishment* I'll just finish this window and go open it up.

I didnt know what to say. I...I ....for a while there thought we were in the Army for crying out loud. You gotta be friggin' killing me. Do you know I had an NCO ask to be excused from drill to go to Wyoming and manage their Subway store?!?!?! I dont make this crap up. I had full-time personnel take leave on drill, because they had to work a weekend already this month, it's just too much stress I guess. I had people give me excuses that I just...Oh, my favorite one? Yeah, the kid that found Jesus. Fine, great, good on you. But he wants to split out every Sunday. So his first-line leader comes to talk to me. Sergeant B______ would be a better asset to the unit on Monday than on Sunday because he could Blah blah blah. OK, so fine. So I ask this guy, um...what is he doing on Sunday? Oh, well he wants to go to church with his wife. They just went through the Temple. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh well if they just went through the Temple....WELLL that changes EVERYTHING! GET OUT OF MY OFFICE! Are you shitting me? Oh, like I dont want to go to church with my wife and kids? Like, I'm any less spiritual? I thought this kid was in the Army. If coming to drill is not conducive to his newfound religious nature, then he can get out. MEANWHILE, we'll see him at drill!

So, a few months later, we're in Japan. Guess who's drinking beer with his Japanese counter-parts? Yeah, dont get me started. I'm so sick of this pussy-footin' crap we've got going on. I'm about to come unglued I swear. I've never SEEN so many full-timers that just can't possibly be burdened with the requirements of a drill weekend! Aren't you people employed to PREPARE for the drill weekend??! Isn't your SOUL purpose in life to prepare for 28 days for the Big Game? Then you opt out at the last minute?! YOU kidding me?! What do you think this is Wal Mart? Like you just come and go as you please?! I swear if I was king for a day I'd fire 2/3 of these pogues! Un-friggin' believable!

Anyhow, it wasn't such a bad day. I'm home now, the sun is shining. Until a few minutes ago there were literally fourteen kids in our front yard in a single 5 foot in diameter swimming pool. You know what? I knew that would happen. It's not rocket-surgery! You have a pool and a hose and kids will flock. It's just science man. Anyhow, things are settling down, 2/3 of those kids left and Dora is on. We're looking for kids and canolis are just coming out of the oven. "...Swiper no SWIPING!" I gotta go.

Cover me while I move!


Jon Out.