Going once…Going Twice…… Sold!!!

OK, here it is. There I was, no bull. 13 yards behind enemy lines. Surrounded by 30 Ladies known as, “The Relief Society”. OK, so they represent the membership of the adult women in the ward (aka “Parish”) for our particular religion (Latter Day Saint). So, we’re going to have this, “Service Auction” in our backyard. So, Stacey signed me up to be the auctioneer by the way. This wasn’t my doing. I’m completely innocent. I swear it this time.

So to set the stage, the idea(r) is that these ladies all fill out this single page questionnaire. On the questionnaire are items such as, “Did you read your scriptures today?” Five points. “Did you vacuum this week? 5 points…on and on. Anyhow, so the ladies tally up their levels of righteousness and domesticity and presumably hide their scores out of shame at their failings as mothers and wives. Or…whatever. Anyhow, so they have that number of “points” stacked up to begin bidding on various and sundry items of both home-manufacture, and service related …well…services. You get my drift here? This is like the Superbowl of, Do Unto Others.

So, before hand I was asked to weed-whack the back yard. I had to borrow the neighbor’s whacker because my really nice $200 Toro was liberated right out of my garage last year. Personally I think it was stolen (wait for it…) when we had a circle yard-sale. Ironically, my new $200 whacker, which by the way had all the potential to be a tiller, mulcher, edger, daiquiri maker or Flowbee was stolen. Of little import to this segue is the fact that we brought in upwards of $80 in what comprised the latter part of Friday evening and most of Saturday morning preparing for and arguing over $2.00 per item with some of the more greedy of our visitors. So, NET, I’m thinking we were up-side down only about $120 at end of the exercise. But I digress…

Where were we? Ah yes. So, we initially started out with about 25 items on the card tables of various and interesting makes and models. There were home-made cards, little boxes with chocolates inside, “satchels”, home made ties for boys, haircut vouchers, offers to referee pillow fights (Stacey made me take that envelope of mine off the table by the way), etc. Anyhow, so the sisters were aligned like the Christian Science Book Club with an, Attack by Fire and Support By Fire formation (they were in an “L”). Additionally there were three blankies full of chick…er…ladies…at my feet looking up (presumably in grand amazement) at my meat tenderizer. No, seriously, we didn’t have a gavel so we used the meat tenderizer to declare an item, “Sold”. (Get your mind out of the gutter!)

So, anyhow, we went through the items. Josh was the funny man, I was the straight man. So, I would set them up, and Josh would knock them down. He’s actually quite funny that kid. We had a discussion he and I prior to the event over by the trampoline. I told him basically our limit of advance was to PG level comedy, but he was to keep it to “G” rated for the most part. There would be no discussions about suspicions of what goes on behind mommy and daddy’s closed doors, nor would there be mocking of anyone like we do at familial barbeques. This is straight-laced stuff here.

So, we open up, and the first item we choose to display, was a cover for breast-feeding mamma-cita’s. It’s sort of this lime-green thing which had like a sewn in hoop and a wrap around…thing for the lady’s neck. Well, of course we make like it’s an arab head-dress at first, and feign ignorance at what we’re working with . So, someone yells out the correct usage of said item. I placed it around Josh’ neck and he stuck his arms out. WAY out. *sigh* Anyhow, before I can stop myself, I hear myself say, “blah blah blah…this item..blah blah blah…sewn with love in every stitch…blah blah blah ONE SIZE FITS ALL….” Much laughter ensued, however I did not take this as a very delicious start to our “G” rated agreement only moments prior.

Anyhow, so we recovered from that, and the dames (broads, skirts, babes) ate all sorts of salads and heourse de ovaries… or whatever that word is whilst Josh and I played Abbot and Costello for their PG rated amusement. Anyhow, we really had a good time, however I learned some things about women last night. First off, they will NOT bid up food. In fact, one poor lady only got ten points for a full dinner. Whereas the little home made boxes with chocolate got thirty or forty points. I asked a senora later what gives and she said it’s psychological because women don’t want to emphasize the fact that biologically they are required to eat. So, somehow bidding on foot makes them look hungry, which in turn signals they over-eat, which in sequence means they are somehow fat. Obviously I didn’t pick up on that right away. Oh, additionally, “Super Cute” things like blankets and thank you cards go at a PREMIUM! Like, people “paid” 190 points of their 200 Righteous Mother points to get them. Additional items of import seem to be Babysitting and family pictures. An additional curiosity is the fact that women were stingy with their Righteous Mother points. For example, most of them probably went “home” with over a hundred points. Which, I kept reminding them, were TOTALLY made up and useless in the big bad Real World just outside of our gates. Crazy man. So, I wondered silently to myself, if somehow they felt inherently they needed to be careful with their imaginary points, so as not to squander them somehow and be judged an unfit wife and mother by societal on-lookers. Weird. Seriously. It was like they figured there was a distinct possibility they would carry the points over to the next Fiscal Year or something. Oh, another thing, women feel guilty about winning. So, if the bid got too high, and Sister Janet thought that Sister Suzy might somehow need the baked banana bread better, she’d openly back out and try to out-sweet sister Suzy. Pardon the pun.

So what did we learn here class? Well, first off, skirts are just plain un-predictable. Which I had plenty of anecdotal evidence to support anyhow. But additionally, these really are good women. They obviously care about others and love the very idea of brightening someone else’s day. I really did witness a whole lot of selflessness going on there, with the one lone exception of the coveted babysitting coupons. But even then, I realized that they wanted babysitters, so they could go somewhere with their husbands and ironically do something nice for him. I saw women bidding on something ferociously, because they were going to surprise someone else with it as a gift. I saw women give up their imaginary points to others next to them, in order to help their sister win something she really wanted for her baby (i.e. a “Super Cute” blanket).

I’ll be honest with you. I was pretty well humbled by the sisters that came to the event last night. I never did see even one moment of selfishness from one of them. They were genuinely happy to be associated with each other and to just enjoy an early Summer evening. Their smiles were bright and genuine, and I will go on record and declare that the very thank you cards that they fought tooth and nail to get, will ironically be thoughtfully redistributed to those sisters they love and care about in their very midst.

I think we all learned a very valuable lesson last night. I know I sure did. Don’t label your offer to referee Mud Wrestling Matches as the next private event on the outside of the envelope. They frown on that sort of thing. I’m kidding. I simply broached the subject and Stacey’s face pretty much told me my joke wouldn’t be as well received as I first thought. You live and you learn I guess.

OK, you kids have a great day. I have a date with an angel.

All the Best,

J