Two Roads...

Today I witnessed probably the saddest thing I’ve ever had to be a part of. Two people within my command have decided to pursue a relationship. One is a female captain, and the other is a male Sergeant. They have been friends for a while and their relationship has grown into one of a romantic nature. So they came forward and asked our mutual supervisor to go to the General for adjudication in their desire to make their relationship public. See, in the military, officers and enlisted are expressly forbidden to date, let alone marry. It’s called fraternization and it actually technically applies to even a friendship between the two. Anyhow, so we had some meetings with the Colonel last week, and he asked for recommendations from us, the section leaders (and me as the unit commander). Then he went to the Chief of Staff, then the one-star general, and then on to the two-star.

Well, today, after our weekly meeting, he held us back. The two individuals and the senior enlisted member, the sergeants supervisor, the deputy G-1 and myself and the Colonel. What he outlined was his discussion with the two-star. Bottom line the general said that since they had not as yet committed an act of fraternization, they could not be “punished” and that foretelling of their punishment would set a precedent. Further on, there is no guarantee as with others in the past, that their getting married would soften the blow. In the active-duty military, it is entirely possible that the captain would actually be courts marshaled for this slight against protocol. See in the military, the traditions for not dating or pursuing relationships of this nature, are imposed for the betterment of good order and discipline. Officers cannot in good conscience, exercise partiality when they are either commanding, or directing subordinates whom they share affections for. Anyhow, I’m really sounding technical, but there is reason behind it. Further along, it was stated that it may be entirely possible they would both have to resign from the military active service. Traditionally in the Active Component, this is not an option. The captain would be forced to resign her commission, and the sergeant would have to serve his remaining service obligation enlistment. However, they would then be free to pursue a romantic relationship.

So, the general’s guidance was that they both stay very clear of each other until they decide what they are going to do. If they roll the dice, they could both be fired, or one be fired, or both receive letters of reprimand, or any combination of the above. I really felt for the captain, as she got very emotional. Her out-pouring of emotion was genuine, and you could see that she valued her relationship with him more than her career. However, she also stated that she would rather resign, or go into the inactive reserves, or some other venue to avoid doing anything to dishonor herself or the uniform as an officer.

I really felt for them today. What incredibly personal things to have shared with others looking on as she broke down. What crippling affects it has for the sergeant whom only wanted to clear the air and make their relationship viable and public. Such a quandary really, nothing they could do or say at that moment would have been the right thing. I could see from her actions, that she was prepared to resign on the spot to pursue her relationship with him. It was obvious to me, that her life was empty without him. She values that one-in-a- million chance to try over the guarantee of a profession which brings her great personal satisfaction. It was clear that she was ready to jump. I actually feared that her level of emotion was so great that she just might do so right here and right now. I could see that her condo, her groceries, her car payment, everything took a back seat to doing the right thing up-front and making a choice that she could stand by with a clear conscience.
I think I learned a lot today. It’s heart-rending to watch someone’s personal life dragged out onto the conference table like it was. We’re supposed to remain professional, and stoic, yet show compassion for their plight, while upholding tradition and good discipline. I don’t know how this is going to turn out. I see that the captain sees only two options. I think the sergeant sees irony and possibly three options. I sincerely hope they weigh it out before they do anything rash. I really like this officer. She’s very professional and extremely conscientious and dedicated. I like this sergeant. He’s likeable and professional and capable. I see they are at a cross-roads. The captain has to abide by the honor of the uniform, and the sergeant has to roll the dice.
I think I have been in similar situations. Well, not this exact one obviously, but one of personal honor in conflict with personal desire. I’ve been there and I believe I made some correct choices, and others I learned from despite making the wrong choices. I think wearing the uniform, and in particular being an officer cannot be over-emphasized. Each and every person that wears the uniform has sworn an oath. Not just to abide and protect the Constitution, but to conduct themselves in an exemplary manner that is befitting the uniform. I personally have been in situations that my personal desires greatly conflicted with what honor demanded. I’ve been on the wrong side of that equation, and I’ve tried most often to get back on the right side.

I suppose what I’m saying is that life isn’t necessarily so cut and dry. Just because these two individuals care deeply about each other doesn’t mean they should jump in both feet. Just because they are in the military, doesn’t mean they shouldn’t either. I think it’s a judgment call. What you might do, is not necessarily what I might do. I think the decisions in life that we make, the ones that define us, we don’t recognize until we’re well past them. These decisive moments have the possibility of sending our lives into much divergent paths. Not all of which are bad of course, but they become who we really are. I think these decisions are predicated on our internal value-set and personal expectations of what is right, what is good, what is honorable and what is just. Some people are much like the Robert Frost poem, the Road Not Taken. Here it is to give you reference:

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

I guess what I’m saying today is, I don’t know what these two kids are going to do. What is right for me, is not right for them. I of course can draw on my own personal issues and challenges and make all the judgment calls I want as to which they should pursue. Should they take the safe and secure road, or roll the dice? It’s not that simple of course, the next day, the next week, the next month and years hence, they’ll have to look themselves in the eye and honestly believe that they made the right choice. Honor can be a help, and it can be a hindrance. Honor can bind us to good, it can shield us and protect us from harm. It can also be misunderstood as Pride. Real pride tells us in our heart that we know better, but we’re the exception. Pride tells us that there’s an ethereal force that would pardon us. Honor tells us that despite personal knowledge as to why, we must press forth with what we know to be. Regardless of the internal pain. Regardless of potential loss, regardless of personal understanding in the moment. I honestly don’t know if I’m making any sense right now, but I hope my intent and message is coming across. I really honest-to-goodness don’t know what the future holds, and therefore couldn’t begin to make choices for these too kids. One, the captain wants nothing more than true and complete fulfillment as a person, and the other wants to provide and be an example of strength and right in a shifty world of values. I don’t judge either of these two and my heart goes out to them while they make their unique and challenging decisions.
I learned a lot today. It’s funny how you see a semblance of your own internal issues, things you’ve gone through, similar challenges etc. It’s funny how even in hind-sight, not everything is 20/20. I guess what I know is that I love wearing the uniform. I love that it provides me with a reason to stretch myself beyond what I sometimes believe are my personal capacities. It duly requires sacrifice and dedication. It requires faith and commitment, it also requires judgment and discernment that is not necessarily omnipresent. I suppose that’s why we have the Army Values. I’ve felt as though I’ve broken an Army Value at times, and I’ve really strived to make good on my continuing promise and commitment. I’m not without flaw of course, and I do make mistakes. Sometimes heavy and irreparable mistakes. But I will tell you this, that as I make my decisions, I feel I am guided at times to do something totally outside of my personal desires, in hopes of a greater good. In belief and faith that perhaps the Lord knows a little bit more about me and what he has in store for me than I do. It’s tough to not be selfish. It’s tough to not want yours now. It’s the equivalent of taking a quart of Chunky Monkey ice cream to a Weight Watchers meeting and setting it on the table. Sometimes we just know, unequivocally, that what we want is just, right, and honest with whatever we personally can honestly produce. Other times, we tell ourselves that, in hopes that we’ll be pardoned on intent, rather than action.

I still don’t know if these guys are headed the right direction. Its their call. What I do know is that I understand the plight. I understand the tearing of your personal understanding against what you know is a requirement of you. You can only see the immediate promise of happiness, and the off-chance that doing the right thing may have you miss a singular opportunity is ever in your mind.

Anyhow, I’ll shut up now. All I am saying here is, I guess at the end of the day, we make decisions, good, bad or indifferent, that we live with. They define our true character. I hope at the end of my life, when I look back I can honestly say that I made each and every decision with what I knew to be right at the time. I’ve fallen a little, scuffed a knee or two, heck I’ve even end-oed right into the dirt, but I can say I’ve dusted myself off and tried to renew a personal commitment to following my heart and the guidance I already know to be true.

I hope you have a great day. Sorry I got so deep on you. I gotta go. I am late to take a couch to the Deseret Industries. I am sick of it being in the back of my truck each day that it rains. Have a great day and may God bless you in your endeavors to do what you personally know what to be right, and may he shower you with his affections and understanding when you take that leap of faith.

Faithfully Yours,

J