Christmas

I've been thinking over the past week and a half or so about what to write about today. I think the Christmas season for me doesnt really officially start until after Stacey's birthday, the 19th of December. However, to be perfectly honest, it's a little too late to get into the spirit of things, because then it's a mad dash to the finish. I think I get so caught up in dreading the Christmas lights, loathing the necessity of shopping, and the animated fever that my children get into. The kids in particular just get so worked up that it's almost unbearable. I want so badly to just relax and share in their excitement, but they can be so very loud. They've been banging out Christmas carols on the piano the past month. Anytime, and I do mean ANYTIME another adult walks into our house, they insist on adding to the insanity by banging as forcefully as they can on the piano. Dont get me wrong, I'm really proud of them for learning, but I swear if I hear Jingle Bells ONE more time in the next month I swear I'm going to lock myself into the garage with three vehicles running and all the doors and windows shut. I think it's not just the piano, it's the constant ringing of the phone, the barking of the dog, the shoveling of the snow that everyone just packed-down nice and icy-like and the whole December experience. I get cabin fever I think. I can't do any outdoor work, I cant go for a run, I can't get the kids tired or anything. It's just almost unbearable. Then there's the knowledge that one of the vehicles needs four tires, the $500 in repairs on the other car, the wife that spends 4x the amount on me that I think we've even come close to bargaining for, and the coup-de-gracias, Tithing Settlement. As if I needed yet ONE more reminder at how selfish I've been throughout the year, now I learn that I'm 5% in arears and I've been blessed beyone measure.

Well this year is just no different. I've got to stave-off the requirement to drive down to Salt Lake and see the lights. See, I'm not big on cold. You add "wet" and I'm just plain unhappy. I've seen the lights, I know how beautiful they are, but spending fourteen bucks to ride the Trax, or ten dollars to park and lug kids and strollers and backpacks and coats and all the requisite accoutrement is just NOT my idea of fun. Once we get there I have a great time sure. I feel the Spirit, I love to listen to the First Presidency over the speaker system from the Temple Grounds and of course the Visitors Center for the Salt Lake Temple will take the starch out of just about anyone. I think it's not the experiences that turn me off, it's the logistics I know that nobody factored in that's required to get there. So, by the time I get to our destination I'm upset about the cold, upset about having to stop for gas, the fact that our tire was low for the third week in a row, and the yelling from the back seat, and the aforementioned prospect of carrying a screaming, tired, and uncooperative child (pick one. There's four to choose from.).

The other day in church the kids were doing their little primary program. It wasnt the big one in Sacrament Meeting but the little one in Primary. Josh was a wise man (pardon the irony), Lexi had a singing and speaking part and Isabelle was gripping my neck lovingly like we were going to sell her into slavery the following day. Well, along comes the song, "Silent Night" and of course, it just melts me. They'd gotten me good with a couple of hymns the first hour and I was already feeling my heart swell, undoing the previous years shrinking of my heart (two sizes at last count). So, I guess that's when I let go of the griping and bemoaning of my fate and just tried to enjoy myself.

Well tonight is unfolding EXACTLY as I predicted. A last minute dash to the grocery store ($167.00) for "milk, rolls, and salad dressing", and the bustling night-before making of $4.00 gifts for family and friends that takes three hours of work to make. Then theirs the wrapping of gifts, the assembly of bikes, the making of nine p.m. cookies (almost as an after-thought) and the constant chiding of the baby for pulling the little gold leafy-beads-thingies off the tree constantly.

Well I tell you what, that trailer of mine in the driveway is looking awefully comfortable. As a Mormon, I can't distance myself from the reality of in-laws and outlaws with alcohol. I'm supposed to put on a smile and make it the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since the good ol' fashioned Griswold Family Christmas I've grown accustomed to. I tell you what, I'd just rather enroll everyone within sight and sound in the, "Jelly of the Month" club and just be done with it. I'd rather be sipping highly alcoholic beverages out of a cup shaped like a moose than watch this day through to fruition. It's insane I tell ya. And noone EVER listens to me. I can' see the writing on the wall DAYS and WEEKS in advance. My lovely wife keeps trying to cheer me up and make me smile and somehow look ever-forward to the opportunities awaiting us with family only a few short hours hence. (Hold on, baby Livy is handing me the bead-twig-thingies again).

So, I guess this is what it is to be a dad on the holy of holiest nights. But I want you to know I do actually love this season. Sure, I gripe, I complain, but for that calm in the middle of the storm, I really do love it. I just wish we could make it more about the Savior, and less about the hustle and bustle to pacify neighbors with two-liters of Sprite and quipish little festive sayings. I wish we could focus on the birth of our Lord. "For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace." (Isaiah 9:6)

I have this dream. This vision. If I was in charge of my little family and their wranglings and slowing the insanity down to a crawl. I'd love to have them quietly sit at the foot of the tree. I'd like to give them the account of His birth. "For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord." (Luke 2:11) I'd like a little peace and quiet. I'd like a respite from the entrapments of the world. The flurry of activity that preceeds and succeeds this night. I'd like them to know and feel the Spirit in our home. I'd like to not be so short with them. I'd like to have us all just dispense with the television, the cookies, the candies, the ringing doorbell and acknowledge the birth of our Savior.

I think about Him. All that He has done for me. Even now, at 7:30, I am encouraging one child not to pound on the baby's back. I'm watching the feverish excitement of "What smells in the car???" I'm being beseiged on all sides (including the baby whom wants me to hold her and her bottle). I want to tell my children to speak at acceptable volumes. To have our home feel as Celestial as the inside of the Temple. I'd like them to speak kindly to each other, I'd like them to acknowledge what this day really means. I love them so very much. (And of course, THERE is the phone!!!!!!!) I am telling you I just cant catch a break. I want to lock the world outside and make this night about what it really means. I frankly dont really care that we have name-tapes on the gifts. I want to invite the Spirit here to attend us tonight. I'd like us all, including me to treat each other like we really care. Like we love each other. There is NO rest from the insanity of the day. I am upset, even beginning to entreat upon angry at the lack of respect for what today really means.

I suppose in time it will come. I suppose that someday, in the not-to-distant future we'll all be able to speak at acceptable volumes. I expect the possibility exists that we can shut the world outside the door and celebrate the birth of our Savior without constant interuption. (Que the making of the last-minute cookies I alluded to earlier).

I wonder if it's enough that I just know these things myself. Tonight I was thinking about Stacey and my first Christmas together. The year after we got married. We lived in a tiny little apartment in Tooele, UT for the paltry sum of $400/month. We wanted a tree and a few days before Christmas went to the lot, with our little sedan. We didnt have a pickup then, and the lot-owner reasoned that he could tie the tree to the top of the car. With the help of a few burlap sacks, the paint on the roof would be fine. After all, we were only traveling a few miles in return. Well, I looked over the prospect and resigning myself that it was the only way, proceeded to allow him the opportunity to tie the tree to our roof. We had to roll our windows down to allow the ropes to circum-navigate the tree and provide for a tie-down. But we weren't going that far. I was so happy. She was so happy. We smiled at each other, like newly-weds do, and made the trip home. It was in the driveway I discovered that not only had the tree held fast, but we were in very point of fact, tied into our vehicle. The car doors were both tied shut, almost mockingly, and I imagined the lot-owner laughing at yet-another fool who allowed him the priviledge of tying them into their car. Well, to get out I had to pull a, "Dukes of Hazard" move and slide out the car window and untie it.

You know, we laugh about that everytime we think of it. It's one of those Christmas memories that made you so angry at the time. I felt incredibly foolish that day. I'd encouraged my tormentor to tie me in, and smiled, THANKED him and PAID him to do it. But it's a memory I wouldnt trade for all the sap in all the pine trees in all the world(Let alone Tooele).

So I guess now we're left with looking for a catharsis for my rantings and whinings and carrying on. I'm looking for that five minutes of solitude and solace where I realize it all went according to plan. I'm looking forward to looking back with fondness at whatever memories I am choosing to ignore on this, the eve of the celebration of our Savior's birth. I love the Savior. I dont believe I can fully understand what He has truly afforded me. I look at my life. My children. My wonderful and incredible wife. I look at the home I live in. The Nation which allows me the freedoms to pursue my every ideal and dream. I am, and have been blessed truly beyond measure. I love the Savior. I am humbled by His affection and concern for me. I want Him to know I need him. I need Him daily. I think of my own short-comings. I think of how He has blessed me and how finite my efforts really are in comparison to those blessings. I want Him to know I feel those things to be so close to my heart. I want Him to forgive me for my tirades. For my shortness with my beautiful wife and children at times. I want Him to know that I look to Him in all things. To guide us as a family. As a couple, and as individuals. I want Him to know that although I fall almost continually, that I will continue to stand and press-forward in His service. I want so much to be a better man. I want my weaknesses to become my strenghts. I want the promise of his guidance and protection which I have enjoyed even without full knowledge at times.

I hope you have a wonderful and incredible Christmas. I hope you take a moment to love your family. I hope you soften your heart to the promptings of the Spirit. That you let Him into your life. I hope that you resolve yourself to make this the year that you start or even renew your journey back to Him. I hope that you find great joy in his personal sacrifice on our behalf. That you may know I am very, almost painfully aware of all that He has done for me. I believe that He can and will make me equal to the design which He has set me here for. I believe He will assuredly do the same for you and yours. My heart is incredibly full at the knowledge of all that He has been for me in my life and want that same understanding and fulfillment for you.

May God bless and keep you this holiday season. May you have the time requisite to reflect upon the message of His love. May you know of a surety that He came into the Earth, to pave the way for you and I to return to our Father in Heaven. May you feel the sweet forgiveness of his mercy. May you know of his hand extended in your behalf. May you feel in your heart the remembrance of his pain in the Garden of Gethsemane in our behalf. That you might know that the price of our sins has already been paid through His infinate atonement. That you and I might again return to our loving Heavenly Father to continue His design for sharing in His Eternal Glory. I love my Savior, He is everything to me. He has provided me with all that I enjoy, and spared from me nothing which would allow me the sweet knowledge of His plan.

May God shower upon you all that your righteous heart seeks and desires this holiday season. Is my hope and prayer. Merry Christmas.

Always Yours,

J