Hey kid. Long time no see huh? I'm home today for a couple of hours. It's a Sunday and Lexi's not feeling well and we left her home from church. During Sacrament meeting Isabelle starting it too and so I offered to jump on that grenade and bring them home. What a beautiful Sunday too. The sun is shining out there and it's just the perfect temperature with a slight breeze. I enjoyed Sacrament today. The topic was on recognizing our blessings and enjoying them. It's been a real theme throughout our lives the past couple of weeks. Seems that someone upstairs is intent on hammering the idea home to us.
So here I am, listening to Miranda Lambert on one tab and typing on this here other-en. You think I'd learn wouldnt you? Miranda's sad songs are just that, sad. But they evoke such feeling you know? Right now she's on about a house that she used to live in. She already almost made me cry at the corners with someone that died and prancin' around in the forest with a mystical horse figure. Yeah, it's all very metaphorical, but even a dumby like me could pick out what she was after. Anyhow, so I've been thinking a lot this past week about my own personal blessings. Sometimes blessings that are understated and unappreciated. I guess I'm a bit like a spoiled child at times. I can't see that things that I've really wanted, and figured I'd worked so hard for, and that would really be a blessing, well when they dont come true it can be a real setback at times. But I'm learning. As I told you, I'm pretty dense at times. Oh, I can pick right up on a comedic que, I can run that baby right into the ground at times. But where I need a little help is in the faith department at times.
I tell you what though. I'm really thankful for the things I've learned over the past few years. I feel like my own personal challenges, as well as our family challenges, have really given me a lot of insight. I now understand things about how our Heavenly Father sometimes blesses us. Too often he's taught me personally through a witholding of what I want most. I've also seen in others some of my own challenges. I've tried to help at times, tried to convey the things I've learned, and had them fall on deaf ears. I've outlines a map, charted a course and tried to share my own challenges in hopes that it would convince them. You know what? I see from the Lord's side now how that must be to want so badly to spare someone that heartache, that grief. I know that too often He must have personally wondered and ached for me to listen, and I just wouldnt. Mostly because I'm one that has to drink from the bitter cup to really know for myself.
You know, I've figured out a lot about myself too. Turns out, I'm a little crazy. No, I knew you knew that as well. But I've felt at times like I was the only one in the world that got it, and therefore the world had gone crazy. Then I'd seen crazy in others and figured they'd get it too, and now I'm thinking, that I just have some unique personal issues or insight that help me to inherently understand things I can do nothing about. I'm probably making no sense at all here, that's part of the crazy part. See, I get things that others dont see. It's kind of like that movie with Mel Gibson where he's got stickies and newspapers all over his apartment and lines and highlighters and yeller stickies and stuff all over tying it all together. Then that chick with the giant forehead and the huge teeth with the red hair? What's her name? Pretty woman? Yeah, anyhow she visits his apartment and realizes he's a tad crazy but one of his political theories is actually true. Anyhow, horrible allusion there, but if you were a little crazy you'd get it. So anyhow, what I'm saying is, I get it. I get how my Heavenly Father shows his love for me at times. I see the inherent beauty in a tragic and horrible country song, just the same as I see it in the first Crocus flower in the Spring. I see in this world the raging runoff and the brisk cool mountain streams. I see the broken and disheveled. I see the penitent heart and feel their pain. I also see the proud and the wicked, and identify with their plight, in fact, probably too often. Hold on, Sarah Evans is getting a little bit stronger, I have to pause this so I can focus.
Where was I? Oh yeah, so, I guess I sometimes wonder why I have been given this insight. You know as I sit in Sacrament, watching Josh hold and feed Samuel, holding Isabelle and having her hug me, realizing all I've been blessed with...my wonderful and beautiful wife. It's a lot to take in you know? I wonder why the Lord has given me this insight. I wonder if I'm unique, or if everyone gets it, and is just quiet about it. I sometimes think that everyone's crazy, and simultaneously maybe I'm the only one. Well whatever, I don think I really captured what I meant to say. I think all I'm trying to get across is how thankful I am for God's plan for me. I'm thankful he's given me these challenges. I'm amazed at what he's required of me. I'm amazed at the things I've come to know but can do nothing about. I've come to realize that maybe how some of our church leaders must feel. I'm guessing that might be part of what the Savior feels. It's just the smallest bit of empathy I've learned from Him. I feel the hurt, I know the pain. I feel the extremes of happiness and joy and exasperation and pleadings of a parent taken to the extreme.
What an amazing world and life we have before us. To cram all of this opportunity and expense into one short life of 80 years. Incredible. Sometimes I feel like I've learned so much and other times I feel like I'll never learn what I'm supposed to with only 40 years left. Sometimes I think I've crested over, and I feel some of the undertanding I saw in my father and grandfather. I feel like I know some of that personal pain and understanding I saw in their eyes when they wanted more for me and I wouldnt listen. I also imagine I'm gaining that same twinkle and misting at the corners I saw when they knew I was going the right way and would figure it out soon enough.
Wow this is perfect, Youtube, just selected, "What hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts. I guess that's what I'm getting at, that bitter-sweet knowledge you get when it's too late to affect it. That's what I'm getting at. So, now that begs the question, if you have a poet's soul, what do you now do with it? How do you use it for good? Will anyone listen? What's God's plan for your individual talents, for the things you've learned and that pain you've swam through, that relief that you've felt at forgiveness and the memory that remains? I guess that's part of what grandpa's know huh? Why they look at you the way they do. That, "I'd tell you, but you wouldnt listen anyway." that you recall in their countenance.
Well, hey listen, I gotta go check on Lexi and Isabelle. So you have a wonderful day, and week if I dont get around to it again. Keep doin' what you're doin, keep working towards being all you can be and accepting the, "No's" and looking for the deeper meaning and what you're supposed to learn from them. Dont be afraid to notice the budding trees, and feel His work in the sunshine that accompanies your labors. Stop every once in a while and take a bearing and see what He's done for you. Those things you can't quantify, but you feel in your heart were individual and important to you. Then, instead of moving on, make sure you acknowledge them and tell him how much you appreciate not only the happiness, but the heartache that helped you become what you are today.
Anyhow, I gotta go.
All the best to you and yours.
J
No comments:
Post a Comment