Sh!z My Dad Says....Vol. 1 of ? (warning adult content)

So, Stacey and I were talking the other day, mostly we try to talk once a week from the hours of 1:30 a.m. to 1:39 a.m. See, that's about the time that everything finally settles down at our house. Just about an hour ago Stacey and I were trying to have an actual day-time conversation and were interupted not less than fifty-two times in about a thirteen minute period. It's plain out insane at my house I tell you. When you're trying to have a serious conversation about things the kids seem to hone in on it. That's when they open the garage door, the sliding glass door, and front door, and fail to close a one of them. This is also about the time that both cell phones ring, I get a work email, and the house phone rings. Oh, additionally, the dog is frightening the neighbor kid and nobody will respond to the call to put her in the kennel. Additionally the Farmer's Insurance Guy that has difficulty reading the, "NO Soliciting Sign" wants to talk on the porch about how his cousin's brother's uncle was in the Army and it's best to stay with USAA Insurance rather than Farmers. No shiz dude. I get a call from you yahoo's once a month and the first thing out of my mouth is. "Stop, wait. You're wasting both of our time, I'm with USAA and I bet you my next paycheck you can't beat their rates." They politely agree and shuffle off with their pants around their ankles and that, "Just pumped the neighbor's cat" look on their face.

Oh yeah, nice segue. So, stuff my dad says. Well Saturday we were out in the garden at dad's place over in, "Old Riverton". Anyhow, so I'm all hunched over, my back is hurting and Stacey's making me help her de-weed the strawberries and something I said made her laugh. So, she said I ought to blog about stuff my dad says. Once in a while I'll say something and actually hear my father's voice. It's a little unnerving actually. See we dont look a thing a like my dad and I. I look like my mom but act like my dad. Anyhow, it started me thinking of stuff he says. I may have to break this up into byte-size morsels, because most of you can't handle what he says in just one volume.

I guess my favorite is, "Pee, piddle, piss, pass and urinate!" It's kind of an old-school way to swear or express your displeasure at what just transpired. Nothing's really a bad word, it's just the comedic combination of them all rolled together that takes you back a little.

Once when dad was driving somewhere and I was a kid, he let out what I consider the queen mother of expletives. No, it's not the one you're thinking of from, "A Christmas Story". No, this is potentially the most derogatory word you can use about a woman. I know some of my friends that read this are still scratching their heads in wonder. Lemme spell it out for you, "C- You-Next-Tuesday". Yeah, THAT one! So, to put it in context, we were down on 12600 South, trying to turn left out of the Peterson's, and my dad was driving. I was probably anywhere from 8 to 11 and some lady just kept missing her left turn opportunity. So my dad finally let's out with, "Hurry it up you C___!" So, yeah, I was a little surprised to say the least. Later on in the throws of my first military service hitch I learned that it's pretty much the worst thing you can call a woman and will pretty much shut down all operations in your favor.

One thing I got from my dad is an ability to go on a tirade like Clark W. Griswold in Vacation. You get me started about Social Security, those idiots in Washington, Mortgage Payments or the Division of Wildlife Mismanagement and you'll hear it someday too. Anyhow, this delectable spewing of vulgarity is not always appreciated by the casual on-looker so I've learned to control (for the most part) my little tirades.

So, my dad also says some pretty racist things too. I think he had a bad go-round during his Naval Service in the 60's because he's come away with some pretty salty things that I'm just not sure you can say in private to your dog let alone your next door neighbor. But my dad doesnt care. I think my favorite guilty-pleasure is, "That sonsa-b!tchin' dirty b_____ b____". Dont get me wrong, I'm not condoning it. It just sets me back about sixty years every time he busts out with it.

My dad also has no qualms with commenting on the physical attributes of any woman regardless of proximity. Favorites include: "Nice pockets"; "mmmm hmmm!"; "Helloooo Darlin'!", among others. I bet if you asked him he'd say his theme song is either, "If I Said You Have a Beautiful Body Would You Hold It Against Me?" or "Baby's Got Her Blue Jeans On". Oh and by the way, he doesnt think they can hear him. It gets a little embarassing. It usually happens in the grocery store and I'm busy carrying his case of beer while he's craning his neck at some cougar half his age plus seven. Speaking of beer, he has a method of disposing of cans by throwing it up over the cab and magically landing in the bed of the truck. All at forty miles per hour. Root beer cans of course. In fact, he once rear-ended a guy driving his GMC Jimmy. It ticked him off because during a cursory search of the vehicle, in a case of irony, the guy he rear-ended had a case of empties in the back of the vehicle and was taken in on a D.U.I. They gave dad the ticket and of course he argued that he had done society a service by taking the guy off the road preemptively. The argument didnt hold much agua, (or Old Milwaukee) because the Draper cop still sited him for following too close. You know what else is funny? He gets away with those comments to the ladies too. He just flashes his blue eyes and when they do hear him they take it as a compliment. I thought he was going to leave me at the Albertson's one day when he kept hinting around to a busty young (mid-forties) lass who was loading her own cases of beer into her car that she looked like she was having a party and he'd like to come along. I think she thought he was kidding.

Oh, and in the boat. My little 14' aluminum boat, when the fish aren't biting on the pop gear, he'll let out with a, "Loooooga loooga looooga loooga looooga!" which he learned from his old Navy buddy John Pronold would somehow anger the fish into biting. Oh, I also learned once I got old enough that peeing in a coffee can and throwing it over-board doesnt make them bite either. "Piss in their eyes!! ha ha ha" is what he says and he gets this demonic look of real sadistic satisfaction at the idea that they really give two ships that he peed a processed Natural Light into a bazillion gallons of Strawberry Reservoir.

Oh, so back to the garden. So my mom, knocks on the back window. My mom, God love her. (Bless her little heart) She gets home and bangs on the window, then she waves this giant fanning single handed kid wave like we've not seen each other in ages. It's like the kind of wave you might give at the airport to notify the baggage handler than he has your bag and you just wanted to say goodbye to it for the next three hours. She's like Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond by the way. Same hairdo and so sweet and innocently manipulative. Oh, so anyhow she waves her hand and flags my dad to start the grill. So my dad says, "GEEEEEEZE you'd think that every time she swallows her butt-hole says, 'Thank You'!" Too funny. He also says, "Ya ate YESTERDAY!" anytime any of the kids remind grandpa that it's been nine hours since last he fed them.

Speaking of dad, he's on the phone right now with Josh. I can literally hear my dad on the other end of the phone when he says hello, "Haaaa lo!?"

Just get him started about gun control. You'll unavoidably hear, "those suns-a-bitches!" somewhere in the conversation. He packs, "Heat" by the way constantly. He has a .38 Special with, "Plus P's" in it in the front of his belt. Mowing the lawn, watering the grass, buying toothpicks. He doesn't care. I've seen him carry both the .38 AND a 9mm at the same time. Like we're going to be involved in some bank heist and we'll need to shoot our way out. I personally carry a 9mm but I figure if I can't kill you in seven shots you'll get a free ride at least to the hospital. By the way, I shot, "Expert" the other day with my service pistol 29 out of 30 and would have killed the first pop-up target but he looked like a civilian so I let him go. Anyhow, dad is a voracious reader and will often bring over Supreme Court Rulings on gun control and gun rights in the form of 72 pages of printed report and then want a book report on it next time I see him. I've had to ask him to print the Executive Summary for me so that I can just hit the highlights.

Oh, and when you stay too long at his house, he'll casually mention it's time for you to leave by offering, "WELL! I know you wanna go home, so I'll go to bed!" Regardless if you came to visit from Idaho, next door, or if you're his Home Teacher. Speaking of Home Teachers and Sundays, dad goes to church about thrice a year. Once is Easter, then maybe Mother's Day and potentially Christmas. But heaven forbid it's Fast and Testimony meeting or, "Crying Sunday" because he'll literally roll his eyes when sister Fatty McGee gets up to wax on and on about her gout and rose bushes and how excited she's been that Touched by an Angel is now in syndication.

Oh, another favorite, "HUH!?" which is really your first response at ANYTHING you ask him when he's not looking directly at you or you aren't enunciating clearly enough. But I've noticed if you're young and pretty, he'll call you, "Doll" or "Darlin'" and give you a second chance with a smile.

Anyhow, I know you kids wanna leave so I'll go to bed. I know you've been touched and you want to send fan mail, but believe me, I dont give out my address to just anyone. Last thing we need around here are a bunch of Cougars sniffing the place over looking for table-scraps. Anyhow, take care, be good but not too good and we'll see you at some Crying Sunday near you.

J