Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam...

OK, so today was a pretty great day. I substituted in a Primary class for the Sunbeams. See, Sunbeams are three year old's that have just enough speaking ability to be bigger than a nursery class, but not quite big enough to actually listen to a word being said. Well, anyhow there was some sort of Relief Society (Ladies Auxilliary) birthday party or some schenanigans that required all the sisters (chicks) in the Ward (Parish/Flock) to be involved in listening. Anyhow, I was glad to do it. It was only an hour of my time, and given that, or being in Elder's (Men young enough to move pianos but too busy to do so) Quorum (Sleep Session) was just what the doctor ordered.

So, anyhow, I received the manual this morning from Sister B. I quickly skimmed through it (put it on the counter) and helped prepare our own children for the day's festivities. Speaking of which, if you've never been involved in talking two fiercely independent girls into letting their mother do their hair, while threatening your son with a severe beating while wondering WHY in the world the baby is crying again...you just haven't lived brother.

Well, I talked the big kids all into walking to church to get their wiggles out. Of important note is the fact that each kid had snarfed-down at least six cookies and an Otter-Pop (18" long popsicle) and some Easter Candy from under the couch and two bowls of Sugar Somethings prior. So they were wired to say the least. So, anyhow, we walked to church. Isabelle hung on my new suit the whole way, trying her best to rip out the pocket or somehow get me to fall down and grass stain it somehow. I think kids are frightened by the look of a parent who is actually clean and not sweating and frustrated. Just a theory really and certainly not admissable in Court. I have anecdotal evidence out the ying-yang however.

Anyhow, what was I talking about??? Oh yeah, Sunbeams (SHINEY!!!). So, I was given this manual, and a little purple sticky that read like an aircraft flight instructions checklist. "Dont put Bobby and J.J. together. Suzy and Jo-Jo MUST stay together. Never find yourself in a corner, and if you need help there is a flare gun in the treat bin." Or something to that effect. Anyhow, I was prepared for ten of them. If you've never psyched yourself up for ten three-year olds, well...let me tell you, since I watched the original Rocky at the barber shop yesterday, I knew it involved drinking three raw eggs, pounding a side of beef, and an old-school 1980's headband. Only, it's Fast Sunday (no eating for two meals) so the eggs were off the table. Plus I didnt have a side of beef, so I sort of karate chopped a bag of peas for a while. I didn't have a head-band either, so I ripped the elastic off an old pair of my skivies and wore it around a while until it was time to go.

So, I made it to Primary. Last hour of the three-hour tour (yes, a THREE HOUR TOUR). But what to my wondering eyes did appear, but Craig Gorshe, and a bucket of treats and crayons and little tiny cups and some paper and some other stuff (Pardon me that doesnt rhyme). So, betwixt Craig-ory and I, we were able to get seven of the ten promised kiddlins pointed in the right direction spiritually. So, here's how it goes. You ramp into your lesson with a couple of songs. "Popcorn Popping" is a good starter, followed by "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes". I was feeling pretty confident about this little endeavor. So, I start into my well-prepared lesson. Craig has my flank. Little Kaden, starts in with his ADHD movements. I swear the kid actually vibrated in place. I thought I was going to have an epileptic fit if he didnt stop moving. I half-way considered maybe "accidentally" stepping on one of his fingers so I had an excuse to take him back to his mommy. But unfortunately Craig would have witnessed it all. So, anyhow Kaden started in a personal game of "Ring-Around-the Rosies" while Spencer played the part of the aloof loner who hid behind the big chairs in the corner. Also in attendence was "Pratt" who also had apparently ingested a half a tube of pre-made cookie dough.

So, Pratt and Kaden start in on trying to out-do each other kinetically. Meanwhile, back at the bat cave, four of the "good ones" sat patiently not listening to my little diatribe about keeping the Sabbath holy. So, after fifteen minutes of arguing with Kaden about the Transformers and whether or not he knew Optimus Prime and Bumble Bee, I finally summed up the lesson with something about Jesus loving everyone and treating them kindly too. Amen. Halleluiah, pass the amunition.

So, from thence, we started into coloring time, followed by snack time. Which, if I had to do all over again, I'd reverse. Treats first, color second. All three year-olds can think about once they've seen fish-crackers and pretzels and mini cups are their treats. So, after unsuccessfully trying to get Kaden and Pratt to draw us a picture of a pretty Sabath day, we started drawing pictures of the various intimations of our internal Optimus Primes.

I think I took one kid to the latrine, wherein he peed all over the seat, then I made another trip to take Kaison to his papa for his own pee-pee soire'. Two more trips back to the bathroom for paper-towels. It's all a blur now, but I'm pretty sure I wiped off the window seal and perhaps the ceiling and maybe hid some of the evidence from thence.

OK, so, anyhow, I really did have a good time, but by the time the first mommy showed up to get Rosemary's Baby, I was done. D.U.N. Done.

So, anyhow, we lied to all the parents and told them their kids were good. Something about, "Oh, you're kid's so smart, he's going to be an astronaut, or a surgeon". Which, really I was thinking, "three of these kids will be wearing ankle-bracelets, that other kid is destined to be a plumber by the amount of crack he displays, and your kid...WOW...the lack of coloring talent obviously bemoans a serious need for some real one-on-one time inside a closet with the lights off."

But, anyhow, Craig colored a beautiful picture ofa house and a sun in the corner and a swingset and some flowers. I of course, drew a house, some grass, two horses and Optimus Prime parked in my back yard.

Optimus Prime and I hang out all the time. I forgot to tell you. Anyhow, I'm sure you stopped reading a long time ago, so....

Jesus said love everyone, treat them kindly too. When your heart is filled with love, others wont indict you.

Catch you laters,

Jon
Subtitute Teacher
and Optimus Prime Enthusiast