Over the course of the last year I've been involved in some pretty serious introspection and some very frank discussions with my lovely wife Stacey. This morning in the shower a couple of phrases occurred to me, and I believe I would be remiss in not sharing what I have learned with all (both) of you. Here are a few things I've learned: 1) Men want to be respected and women want to be cherished; 2) There's no such thing as, "The One that Got Away" or a, "Plan B". There's only what is; and 3) You can't hide behind, "That's just who I am." While it's true, you can only be exactly who you are, you can certainly be the BEST "Who You Are" for both you and your spouse.
I was at a Family Programs Conference up at Snowbird for the Guard a few months back. There were two speakers. One of the speakers was a woman in her mid forties. Attractive, slightly plump, but with an infectious personality. As she spoke she described who she was as a person. How her husband was a seeming opposite, and how that had caused troubles before in their relationship. She said she would never forget the day she heard it put as such, "Men want to be respected, and women want to be cherished." It hit me like a ton of bricks. Wow, like the Heavens opened and that giant billboard, "Duh" shown through. Throughout our marriage I've done things to establish my prominance as the provider, as the self-sacrificer, as the unsung hero. All I wanted in return was a simple, "Thank you for what you do every day." But there's a second side to that coin. That is, instead of criticizing how the laundry wasnt done, or the kitchen was a disaster, she wanted me to come home and look at her like she was the only woman in the world. So utterly simple it was embarassing. That day I went home and relayed my discovery at the simplicity of the entire concept of loving someone more than yourself. It has nothing to do with Men being from Uranus and Women being from Ephraim. It had less to do with which of the seventy-five Love Languages there are. It's as simple as, never criticize your husband. Especially in public. As well as always praise your wife for all that she is and does. She's more than a mother. She's more than a taxi driver. She's first and foremost your very best friend and deserves to have you look at her like she's the most incredible person you've ever met. That satisfies both of your needs (however unspoken or spoken they may be) and completes the fairy tale reality.
Secondly, the idea of the one that got away is at the very very least, toxic beyond all reproach. It undermines her faith in you, your faith in her and makes them feel woefully inadequate when compared to a ghost that is the epitome of unrecognizable perfection. First of all, you've never lived with that person. They have warts, they have bad breath in the morning, and chances are they may even have love handles in that skimpy little black dress you imagined. People are people. But your putting someone on a pedestal is not just unfair, but unrealistic. That person has a past. They have your perceived present, and chances are, they have an alternate future to what you're looking for. Beware the idea that if all else fails you can go back to that guy you should have dated in high school, or that gal that you met on the plane to New York. You're looking at a sliver of their persona. Even if you've known them for years, you've never suffered through financial worries. You've never sat up late at night waiting for a fever to break on one of your children. You really dont know how they'd react to any one of life's immediate challenges.
Third. If you dare sit there, and say, "That's just who I am. I can't change anymore." Well, point blank you've just plain given up on not just them, but yourself. While it's true that you can only be you, nothing is precluding you from being the best, "You" available. Certainly you can listen twice as much. You can do two selfless things more a day. You can come home half an hour early to surpise them with something they really like. You have to get out of yourself. Out of this idea that they owe you. That you've done everything you can and it's now up to them. This idea ladies that you've tried for sixteen years and he just wont change, so now its up to him to complete the fairy tale, is ludicrous. Gentlemen, this perception that she knows you love her, so why wont she initiate intimacy, that you'll wait her out, because it just hurts too much to be rejected...get over it.
The final thing, not alluded to early, is a combination of all of the above. I challenge you to open up your heart and become the most vulnerable person you've ever been. Talk with your spouse. Tell them each and every thing that you've decided to let go. When you do let it go, it can never be there again. Dont reserve your favorite old hurt as an internal protection of your heart. Tell your mom/dad/aunt to butt out. This is your marriage, your right and opportunity to be happy. This is your chance dont waste it.
Well guys, I have to close. I have to go move a trailer now. I hope you dont misunderstand me today. I speak very plainly and without apology. This is what I've learned. I know it works. You can decide to enact what you've read, or continue on down the current road that maybe ineffectual at best. I've taken some very personal things, but I believe that in recognizing them, and sharing them with you, my friends, you might try a little harder today.
Start today. What's the harm? There's no downside to deciding to love someone without reservations again. You loved them once, if you get out of yourself, you'll love them again. This is all contingent of course that it's a two-way street. Have the difficult conversations with your spouse. You'd be surprised how resilient they are. How much they've needed you to trust them with all the facts. How much they can and are willing to be your greatest ally in this world next to the Savior Himself.
I gotta run now kids. Give it a whirl. I'll catch up with you later.
Jon
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