So the other day, I was watching the movie, "Ground Hog Day" with my kids. Of course they were incredibly loud and obnoxious, and my efforts to point out the obvious comedy in some of the scenes became almost embarassing at times. I love that movie. There's a lot of good one-liners in the movie and I really hoped they could come away from it with a sense of how funny I find it each and everytime I watch it.
Sorry, Lexi was looking over my shoulder and it was a little difficult to focus with her wolfing down that cheese-stick..plastic..thing. Anyhow, she's gone now, so where were we?
Oh, anyhow, so we're watching this movie, and I think after ten or fifteen years, however old this movie is, the message becomes more and more profound to me. Basically as you may well know, Bill Murray's character wakes up day after day in the same day. On Ground Hog Day (G.H.D.) Well, initially it's frightening to him. He believes he might be crazy. In the middle of the film, he starts to take advantage of it. He uses his knowledge of what's going to happen in order to better his position selfishly. Toward the last third, he uses his knowledge to get the woman he's interested in by finding out all of her internal secrets and desires and each day learns more and more about her, basically to trick her into loving him. Well, as you know if you've seen it, that backfires, so he basically uses the next few weeks to kill himself at every available chance, and ultimately the next morning, you guessed it, he repeats it all over.
Well, the last 1/5th or so of the movie, he decides to focus instead on helping everyone he can. He learns all of their personal needs and desires as well as learns to play the piano, speak French, and other sundry qualities. Well, as it turns out, his last, G.H.D. he actually no kidding falls in love with the damsel (Andy McDowel) and awakes the next morning to a very new day after at the close of his final Ground Hog Day.
So, why is this applicable and why would I bother telling you what you already know? Well it's like this. I think this past year or so, maybe even further back has been like Ground Hog Day to me. Dont get me wrong, if you've ever done a military deployment, you KNOW what GHD is like. You do the same thing, day in, day out. Wake up, go to the restroom, eat, work, eat, work, go to the restroom throughout, go back to your quarters, watch a movie/tv, sleep...start all over. Well, this past year or more has been an emotional Ground Hog Day for me. Each day, try as I might, left to my own devices and doing the absolute best I good, I would invariably repeat the same exact faults and foibles from the previous days, months and year(s). I genuinely couldn't understand it. I would reason things out, make a decision, implement it, and then, unavoidably be surprised at the very outcome. I couldnt break the cycle to save my life.
Well, "they" say that the very definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Guess what, "They" are right. So, I decided about a month ago or more, to try something uniquely different. I've gone contrary to my "best" judgement and instead relied on the counsel of clergy, my wife, and yes, in a pinch, even the Lord. Well guess what? Things started changing. I think the first set of changes shocked me. It wasn't coming in the way I expected, but it was in fact actual forward progress in the direction I needed to go.
I'm not going to get too personal here. Suffice it to say, I think this past year has been the most trying and difficult of my entire life. All the things which I've come to know and believe about myself have been called into question. It's been a no-kidding living Hell. I've done things that I felt at first, second, fifth, and tenth glance are without question right. After which, when I've done them they backfire horribly and have unintended consequences which complicate matters and compound the problem exponentially. I think I'm a pretty smart guy. That's usually the problem. I wouldn't say that I'm an ego-maniac, but I'd say I'm smarter than your average bear. Well, in this regard, I think my normal, "talents" were being used against me by the Adversary. I want you to know that in my past I've had a run-in or two personally with him. I will tell you that this time when we met I had no recognition of his hand in directing my thoughts, actions, and especially emotions. I've always considered my emotions, MY emotions. I was not aware of the depth and breadth of his power in manipulating those emotions and to what extreme he would go to do so.
I dont think my challenges are unique, therefore I share them with you here today. I think we can all be susceptable to his enticings. When we are seemingly in our element, masters of our domain, large and in charge, it's hard to imagine that he would have such desire to contain us. I have seen and been taken hostage by his manipulations of truth and am finally feeling like I've broken free at least to see light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.
As I said before, this is the most trying thing I've ever experienced. I dont believe it to be over. However, day by day I'm getting more and more clarity in how I've allowed myself to be disuaded from doing right. How I've actually had my normal talents and principles for "right" used against me. He is not just cunning, he is dark and manipulative past the point of reason. He is real, he is very real.
So, why do I tell you this? Well if you know me, you have probably seen a change in me. It's frightening to me how badly the Adversary had worked on both my family and me. I am stunned at his persistance. I am amazed at his calculative nature. I'm ashamed to have played into it. I'm saddened by others who continue to be played by him. I think I am beginning to see very clearly. I think that even though I can see the end from the beginning, it's not going to be easy to put finality to his plan against me. I am heartened that he must certainly be afraid of my family and children should we be able to move forward in the Gospel and in restoring those things he attempted to take from us. Certainly that much personal effort means that my children and wife must be of incredible threat to him and his plan to thwart the Gospel of our Savior.
One thing I want you to understand, I always take full responsibility for my actions, thoughts, desires and ...alas, my continuing stupidity in all that I do and have done. Satan knows that I can be counted on to try and make things "right". He knows that I have a great capacity to empathize with those I've hurt, and to make amends whenever possible. Throughout this year I've done everything I personally knew to fix things I am responsible for, but have had that desire and those efforts turned and twisted against my will and in horrific ways. It's like a horrific season of, "My Name is Earl". Only, instead of my Karma working in my favor, each and every time I try to fix or re-fix something, the problem deepened, the gulf widened and my efforts seemed more and more pressing.
So, I guess we've now come full-circle. So here I am now, trusting that what I've been given, what I've been told, the counsel and the personal revelation that sometimes, "nothing" is the best thing to do is actually true. Over the course of the past few months, as I trust in the Lord more and more that he will fix things that I'm personally responsible for, He has done so. But where the majority of change has come, is only after I've began to listen to the counsel to be still and let Him work.
I will tell you I am amazed not by the power of the Adversary, but by the wisdom of the Lord over that same Satan that we knew from the beginning. Even after I have made a labrynth of challenges and issues that are insurmountable in my eyes, He has navigated them deftly. As I pull back and trust Him further and further, I have witnessed His ability to seemingly move aside all that Satan has worked so diligently to confuse. I am amazed at the Savior's ability to comprehend and his foresight in battling the Adversary whom has been so capable when I am without aid.
I'm telling you incredibly personal things, for a reason. That if you are beset in your life, with things that are insurmountable. With issues that cannot be overcome no matter how hard you try. No matter how much you strive, no matter how much effort you put in, they unravel that much faster behind you. Please know that I too have experienced that helplessness. I have uttered the words, "When will enough be enough?" I have cried out to Him and begged him to make things right in my way, only to find that His way holds so much more depth and purpose than to, "fix" the things I have been part of. I have learned from Him throughout this past year or so about the entire range of human emotions. I have had glimpses of what He must think and feel and desire for us as His children. How His heart must ache and nearly break in two at our unwillingness to simply listen and follow. How He rejoices at our willingness to trust in Him. How seeing others may continue to exercise their agency contrary to His plan, and how that saddens Him to the depths of his capacity.
I do not pretend to understand all that the Savior has in store for us. I cannot contemplate His infinate atonement for us. I have however witnessed and had personal revelation as to the level of His love for each and every one of us. Despite anything we've done in our lives He truly stands ready to make all things right. I am so thankful for the Savior in my life. I'm thankful for all that I have learned through this experience. The minute understanding of His plan and momentary glimpses of His nature have humbled me beyond words. I am truly so thankful for Him and all that he offers to me.
I hope that you get something out of this today. That it touches you in a way that encourages you to look forward to over-coming those things which challenge you in your own life. I hope that you recognize those patterns and rounds which you continually make and learn to break the circle. I sincerely hope that you do all that you can do, and then rely on His matchless love for us all to do that which we can not. I hope that this next Ground Hog Day, is a joyous one for you and that you and your family can continue to press forward in learning more about His plan for us.
May the Lord watch and keep you in the fold of His hand is my prayer for you.
All the Best,
J
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
On Loving Someone
Over the course of the last year I've been involved in some pretty serious introspection and some very frank discussions with my lovely wife Stacey. This morning in the shower a couple of phrases occurred to me, and I believe I would be remiss in not sharing what I have learned with all (both) of you. Here are a few things I've learned: 1) Men want to be respected and women want to be cherished; 2) There's no such thing as, "The One that Got Away" or a, "Plan B". There's only what is; and 3) You can't hide behind, "That's just who I am." While it's true, you can only be exactly who you are, you can certainly be the BEST "Who You Are" for both you and your spouse.
I was at a Family Programs Conference up at Snowbird for the Guard a few months back. There were two speakers. One of the speakers was a woman in her mid forties. Attractive, slightly plump, but with an infectious personality. As she spoke she described who she was as a person. How her husband was a seeming opposite, and how that had caused troubles before in their relationship. She said she would never forget the day she heard it put as such, "Men want to be respected, and women want to be cherished." It hit me like a ton of bricks. Wow, like the Heavens opened and that giant billboard, "Duh" shown through. Throughout our marriage I've done things to establish my prominance as the provider, as the self-sacrificer, as the unsung hero. All I wanted in return was a simple, "Thank you for what you do every day." But there's a second side to that coin. That is, instead of criticizing how the laundry wasnt done, or the kitchen was a disaster, she wanted me to come home and look at her like she was the only woman in the world. So utterly simple it was embarassing. That day I went home and relayed my discovery at the simplicity of the entire concept of loving someone more than yourself. It has nothing to do with Men being from Uranus and Women being from Ephraim. It had less to do with which of the seventy-five Love Languages there are. It's as simple as, never criticize your husband. Especially in public. As well as always praise your wife for all that she is and does. She's more than a mother. She's more than a taxi driver. She's first and foremost your very best friend and deserves to have you look at her like she's the most incredible person you've ever met. That satisfies both of your needs (however unspoken or spoken they may be) and completes the fairy tale reality.
Secondly, the idea of the one that got away is at the very very least, toxic beyond all reproach. It undermines her faith in you, your faith in her and makes them feel woefully inadequate when compared to a ghost that is the epitome of unrecognizable perfection. First of all, you've never lived with that person. They have warts, they have bad breath in the morning, and chances are they may even have love handles in that skimpy little black dress you imagined. People are people. But your putting someone on a pedestal is not just unfair, but unrealistic. That person has a past. They have your perceived present, and chances are, they have an alternate future to what you're looking for. Beware the idea that if all else fails you can go back to that guy you should have dated in high school, or that gal that you met on the plane to New York. You're looking at a sliver of their persona. Even if you've known them for years, you've never suffered through financial worries. You've never sat up late at night waiting for a fever to break on one of your children. You really dont know how they'd react to any one of life's immediate challenges.
Third. If you dare sit there, and say, "That's just who I am. I can't change anymore." Well, point blank you've just plain given up on not just them, but yourself. While it's true that you can only be you, nothing is precluding you from being the best, "You" available. Certainly you can listen twice as much. You can do two selfless things more a day. You can come home half an hour early to surpise them with something they really like. You have to get out of yourself. Out of this idea that they owe you. That you've done everything you can and it's now up to them. This idea ladies that you've tried for sixteen years and he just wont change, so now its up to him to complete the fairy tale, is ludicrous. Gentlemen, this perception that she knows you love her, so why wont she initiate intimacy, that you'll wait her out, because it just hurts too much to be rejected...get over it.
The final thing, not alluded to early, is a combination of all of the above. I challenge you to open up your heart and become the most vulnerable person you've ever been. Talk with your spouse. Tell them each and every thing that you've decided to let go. When you do let it go, it can never be there again. Dont reserve your favorite old hurt as an internal protection of your heart. Tell your mom/dad/aunt to butt out. This is your marriage, your right and opportunity to be happy. This is your chance dont waste it.
Well guys, I have to close. I have to go move a trailer now. I hope you dont misunderstand me today. I speak very plainly and without apology. This is what I've learned. I know it works. You can decide to enact what you've read, or continue on down the current road that maybe ineffectual at best. I've taken some very personal things, but I believe that in recognizing them, and sharing them with you, my friends, you might try a little harder today.
Start today. What's the harm? There's no downside to deciding to love someone without reservations again. You loved them once, if you get out of yourself, you'll love them again. This is all contingent of course that it's a two-way street. Have the difficult conversations with your spouse. You'd be surprised how resilient they are. How much they've needed you to trust them with all the facts. How much they can and are willing to be your greatest ally in this world next to the Savior Himself.
I gotta run now kids. Give it a whirl. I'll catch up with you later.
Jon
I was at a Family Programs Conference up at Snowbird for the Guard a few months back. There were two speakers. One of the speakers was a woman in her mid forties. Attractive, slightly plump, but with an infectious personality. As she spoke she described who she was as a person. How her husband was a seeming opposite, and how that had caused troubles before in their relationship. She said she would never forget the day she heard it put as such, "Men want to be respected, and women want to be cherished." It hit me like a ton of bricks. Wow, like the Heavens opened and that giant billboard, "Duh" shown through. Throughout our marriage I've done things to establish my prominance as the provider, as the self-sacrificer, as the unsung hero. All I wanted in return was a simple, "Thank you for what you do every day." But there's a second side to that coin. That is, instead of criticizing how the laundry wasnt done, or the kitchen was a disaster, she wanted me to come home and look at her like she was the only woman in the world. So utterly simple it was embarassing. That day I went home and relayed my discovery at the simplicity of the entire concept of loving someone more than yourself. It has nothing to do with Men being from Uranus and Women being from Ephraim. It had less to do with which of the seventy-five Love Languages there are. It's as simple as, never criticize your husband. Especially in public. As well as always praise your wife for all that she is and does. She's more than a mother. She's more than a taxi driver. She's first and foremost your very best friend and deserves to have you look at her like she's the most incredible person you've ever met. That satisfies both of your needs (however unspoken or spoken they may be) and completes the fairy tale reality.
Secondly, the idea of the one that got away is at the very very least, toxic beyond all reproach. It undermines her faith in you, your faith in her and makes them feel woefully inadequate when compared to a ghost that is the epitome of unrecognizable perfection. First of all, you've never lived with that person. They have warts, they have bad breath in the morning, and chances are they may even have love handles in that skimpy little black dress you imagined. People are people. But your putting someone on a pedestal is not just unfair, but unrealistic. That person has a past. They have your perceived present, and chances are, they have an alternate future to what you're looking for. Beware the idea that if all else fails you can go back to that guy you should have dated in high school, or that gal that you met on the plane to New York. You're looking at a sliver of their persona. Even if you've known them for years, you've never suffered through financial worries. You've never sat up late at night waiting for a fever to break on one of your children. You really dont know how they'd react to any one of life's immediate challenges.
Third. If you dare sit there, and say, "That's just who I am. I can't change anymore." Well, point blank you've just plain given up on not just them, but yourself. While it's true that you can only be you, nothing is precluding you from being the best, "You" available. Certainly you can listen twice as much. You can do two selfless things more a day. You can come home half an hour early to surpise them with something they really like. You have to get out of yourself. Out of this idea that they owe you. That you've done everything you can and it's now up to them. This idea ladies that you've tried for sixteen years and he just wont change, so now its up to him to complete the fairy tale, is ludicrous. Gentlemen, this perception that she knows you love her, so why wont she initiate intimacy, that you'll wait her out, because it just hurts too much to be rejected...get over it.
The final thing, not alluded to early, is a combination of all of the above. I challenge you to open up your heart and become the most vulnerable person you've ever been. Talk with your spouse. Tell them each and every thing that you've decided to let go. When you do let it go, it can never be there again. Dont reserve your favorite old hurt as an internal protection of your heart. Tell your mom/dad/aunt to butt out. This is your marriage, your right and opportunity to be happy. This is your chance dont waste it.
Well guys, I have to close. I have to go move a trailer now. I hope you dont misunderstand me today. I speak very plainly and without apology. This is what I've learned. I know it works. You can decide to enact what you've read, or continue on down the current road that maybe ineffectual at best. I've taken some very personal things, but I believe that in recognizing them, and sharing them with you, my friends, you might try a little harder today.
Start today. What's the harm? There's no downside to deciding to love someone without reservations again. You loved them once, if you get out of yourself, you'll love them again. This is all contingent of course that it's a two-way street. Have the difficult conversations with your spouse. You'd be surprised how resilient they are. How much they've needed you to trust them with all the facts. How much they can and are willing to be your greatest ally in this world next to the Savior Himself.
I gotta run now kids. Give it a whirl. I'll catch up with you later.
Jon
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Post Game Wrap-Up
OK kids. So here we are. Back in the good ol' U.S. of A. I've been home pertaint-near a week from Japan. Betwixt Japan and today there was a Superbowl, a drill, a few regular work days and now, thankfully, a weekend is nearing.
You know I've got a lot to do. Tomorrow I'm taking Stacey up to my dad's cabin. I think we'll have to snowshoe in. I gotta be honest. I friggin' hate the snow and cold, but I'm willing to do it in order to just get away. Someone's mom and dad (hers or mine not sure) are going to watch the kids overnight tomorrow and give us a breather from their incessant..."kidding". Olivia has been a complete pill while I was gone nearly three weeks and to my understanding has been up two or three times a night. Probably growing and teething if I had to guess.
What else? Oh, well work has been insane. I had a day and a half off between the three weeks of Japan and the weekend drill (over Superbowl Weekend) and then ramped right into three days of work. I finally had enough today and dropped a leave slip for tomorrow. To be honest, there are just a few things/people at work I just dont want to deal with.
What else? Oh, I started back to the gym at work again this week. It was tough to get a good workout in while at Camp Kengun, as the Japanese apparently just run around in circles for exercise instead of throw any weights around ever. Which probably explains why the majority of their Soldiers are about 150 lb at best. So, there was ONE tent about 30' x 15' with a few elipticals one set of dumbells and some situp planks. This was all for a camp of 500 visiting U.S. Soldiers. So, suffice it to say, if you wanted to get any gym time, you had to get up at 0430 to get it done before some jag-azz brought their, "P90ish X" tape in and took up 1/3 of the floor space spreading their wings and all. So, I would say I really only got in maybe five good workouts, and seven piss-poor ones. Good news is yesterday I was able to put up the 70lb dumbells doing flys on the bench, a feat which has eluded me since I was about 17. So, at the current rate of improvement, I should be in peak physical performance, at our around 50. Give or take a decade. Babysteps.
OK, other boring stuff...hmm..oh yeah, Green Bay triumphed over the Steelers. We had some in-laws as well as out-laws over to the house on Sunday after drill. I even made a cameo appearance in uniform to the last 38 minutes of church. I'm pretty sure most people in the ward have no idea who I am anymore, and I rather prefer it that way. Pretty soon I imagine they'll be trying to set Stacey and her kids up with that weird dude that lives with his 80 year old father. Wait, he moved out, so I'm sure there's someone else waiting in the wings for me to come to close to a buried 155 round next go-round in the sandbox. I imagine that's true, because Stacey is somewhat of a catch. She's like, Martha Stewart crossed with Sarah Palin just a skosh of Rene Russo. Lord knows why she ever linked up with a dirty old tramp such as myself. But I digress.
So, anyhow, I'm back. You can again lock up your daughters and warn your wives. I'll be in the area for the foreseable future. You may see me at a local Armory or even a church near you. I'd bet on Armory though if it were my dollar.
Well I hope you didnt read all this way, just to find out the real truth is that this will probably be the most anti-climatic ending yet. Sorry I have nothing for you if you were looking for a cathartic ending. Bottom line way back, it's working ya'll. We're getting this done, making memories, and having a good time doing it. I'm happy, I'm stable and I'm Back in Black.
So, I hope to see you around some place. If you recognize me and I dont know who you are, bear with me. I have the attention span of a goldfish and the memory of a..of a...of....
OK meow, I have to go now, ya'll color inside the lines and dont miss me too much while I'm gone.
Hugs and kisses in appropriate places requisite with your status, calling and relativity. Bye for now,
Jon
You know I've got a lot to do. Tomorrow I'm taking Stacey up to my dad's cabin. I think we'll have to snowshoe in. I gotta be honest. I friggin' hate the snow and cold, but I'm willing to do it in order to just get away. Someone's mom and dad (hers or mine not sure) are going to watch the kids overnight tomorrow and give us a breather from their incessant..."kidding". Olivia has been a complete pill while I was gone nearly three weeks and to my understanding has been up two or three times a night. Probably growing and teething if I had to guess.
What else? Oh, well work has been insane. I had a day and a half off between the three weeks of Japan and the weekend drill (over Superbowl Weekend) and then ramped right into three days of work. I finally had enough today and dropped a leave slip for tomorrow. To be honest, there are just a few things/people at work I just dont want to deal with.
What else? Oh, I started back to the gym at work again this week. It was tough to get a good workout in while at Camp Kengun, as the Japanese apparently just run around in circles for exercise instead of throw any weights around ever. Which probably explains why the majority of their Soldiers are about 150 lb at best. So, there was ONE tent about 30' x 15' with a few elipticals one set of dumbells and some situp planks. This was all for a camp of 500 visiting U.S. Soldiers. So, suffice it to say, if you wanted to get any gym time, you had to get up at 0430 to get it done before some jag-azz brought their, "P90ish X" tape in and took up 1/3 of the floor space spreading their wings and all. So, I would say I really only got in maybe five good workouts, and seven piss-poor ones. Good news is yesterday I was able to put up the 70lb dumbells doing flys on the bench, a feat which has eluded me since I was about 17. So, at the current rate of improvement, I should be in peak physical performance, at our around 50. Give or take a decade. Babysteps.
OK, other boring stuff...hmm..oh yeah, Green Bay triumphed over the Steelers. We had some in-laws as well as out-laws over to the house on Sunday after drill. I even made a cameo appearance in uniform to the last 38 minutes of church. I'm pretty sure most people in the ward have no idea who I am anymore, and I rather prefer it that way. Pretty soon I imagine they'll be trying to set Stacey and her kids up with that weird dude that lives with his 80 year old father. Wait, he moved out, so I'm sure there's someone else waiting in the wings for me to come to close to a buried 155 round next go-round in the sandbox. I imagine that's true, because Stacey is somewhat of a catch. She's like, Martha Stewart crossed with Sarah Palin just a skosh of Rene Russo. Lord knows why she ever linked up with a dirty old tramp such as myself. But I digress.
So, anyhow, I'm back. You can again lock up your daughters and warn your wives. I'll be in the area for the foreseable future. You may see me at a local Armory or even a church near you. I'd bet on Armory though if it were my dollar.
Well I hope you didnt read all this way, just to find out the real truth is that this will probably be the most anti-climatic ending yet. Sorry I have nothing for you if you were looking for a cathartic ending. Bottom line way back, it's working ya'll. We're getting this done, making memories, and having a good time doing it. I'm happy, I'm stable and I'm Back in Black.
So, I hope to see you around some place. If you recognize me and I dont know who you are, bear with me. I have the attention span of a goldfish and the memory of a..of a...of....
OK meow, I have to go now, ya'll color inside the lines and dont miss me too much while I'm gone.
Hugs and kisses in appropriate places requisite with your status, calling and relativity. Bye for now,
Jon
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