Something Beautiful...

I wanted to write something great today. I've wanted to for a few days actually. Well, longer really, but it's been sort of twirling around in my head for a while trying to get out, with no real venue to speak of. You're probably aware by now that I have taken up piano lessons. I'm in my fourth week and already I'm making great strides (if I do say so myself). I'm learning all sorts of things about C,D,E,F,G and chords and timing and staffs and grandstaffs and what not. Additionally, I've had opportunity become of some things that have transpired at work, to assess what my next step is for work life, home life, etc. I've really tried to focus on being better on my scripture study, speaking kindly about others, forgiveness, being forgiven, being helpful and other things. Sometimes I feel like I'm a totally different person than I was a couple of years ago, sometimes I feel like I'm right back where I started again.

Well, anyway if you know me, you've probably seen a change in me. Some for the good, and some I need to still work on. I think that's why I took up the piano this year. I want something beautiful in my life. Something creative. Dont get me wrong, I'm totally surrounded by incredible and amazing, and yes, beautiful people. My spouse is without doubt the most beautiful of those blessings in my life. So I suppose it only stands to reason that she's also teaching me to play the piano. OK, so, I'll let you in on a little secret. Well, I think you dont know, but you probably already do, I love to sing. Yeah, I know, not that tough, not that cool, not that manly, but whatever. I love to sing some of the church hymns because they have a powerful message and they touch me deeply when I sing them. But lately, that's not enough. I think it's one thing to share in someone else's words and music and learn from them how their heart feels about this or that.

So, what I'm finding is that learning the piano is going to be quite an endeavor. One which I'm prepared to put the time in for, because I feel it's worth it. See, I'm ready to create again. For a while there, I was dead inside. Yeah, I know, I've had moments of great clarity, and moments of sheer terror at what I might find out about myself. I really lost all desire for anything. Not really a depression per se, but more of a loss of self. See, I used to leave little yellow stickies all over the house with artist's misconceptions about some project I wanted to work on. I draw sheds and I draw windmills and I draw technical schematics for patio's and other engineering stuff. But for a long time I lost that. We'd go up to our lot by Fruitland, and about all I could create was to cut a pad out with a backhoe to clear the sage brush. I was pretty well dead inside for ideas and any spark of excitement and personal growth.

Well, I guess what I'm saying is I'm getting that back. Two nights ago I sat almost straight up in the bed with a way to mount my solar panels that I bought for the trailer. Oh, you should see my vision too. It's simple, yet elegant, and efficient. I know, hold your applause 'till the end please. So, last year I bought two 225 gallon water tanks. One for a trailer, and one for the lot. See the idea is to fill up with water at my dad's place, then haul it over to my lot, and pump it in with a 12 volt pump into the one next to the trailer. Yeah, I acquired a metal stand that's about four feet off the ground to put this thing on, so that it gravity feeds into my trailer. Then we (dad and I) planted some trees. Then I drew a whole slew more of schematics with how to plant a row of maples for a wind-break, and a watering system. This Spring I bought those solar panels and yesterday my dad and I went over to my trailer at Camp Williams to put one together and see how it ticks. It's beautiful man, I tell yeah. At the end of the day I plan on having six 12v batteries and my two 45 watt panels charging. Then I'm going to get an inverter to run 110 off of it, and see how it works. I also have plans to buy a 600 watt windmill next year if I get the money in time.

I guess my point is, that I've come alive again inside. It feels really good and I'm excited about it. I'm so busy working on plans for a septic tank, and now a waterline and the tax money to enable us to do that is already on it's way. Oh, see I was nervous that the taxes would only pay for a septic tank, but last week I found out about a water connection I could get that would allow us to have both water and a place to put it this year. I'm pretty stoked about the whole deal to say the least. Then I also have my solar panel and battery pack project, and my brain is working again to create what I consider beautiful things. See, to me, I've already seen the vision of what our little place is going to look like. A metal building for our trailer to go under, a septic tank and a yard pump to fill the water up, a timer to water the trees, fencing around it and a split rail fence around the parking area. I have the kid's play house which needs a little tweaking and a safety railing. Guess what? It's all coming together.

I love working on things. Figuring out problems, coming up with practical and efficient solutions is really my thing. Yeah, I realize it's really geeky, and guess what? I just dont care. It's really something that gives me a creative outlet for all this stuff that goes around and around in my head all day.

So, about the piano lessons. Here's how I see it. I want to be a well rounded person. Yeah, I'm already a little tubby around the middle, but I mean mentally, emotionally, creatively and especially now, spiritually. There are so many valuable and worthwhile things in this world. So many things to occupy our attention. So many possibilities. I could just as easily make this year a study on human anatomy and basic chemistry. Or I could learn about Civil War history. I could start work on my MBA like I know I will start this year. So so many opportunities. But I've decided to focus instead on those things that bring my family and me the greatest satisfaction. These kids aren't going to live in our home forever. Anything I do needs to include them and maximizing out time together as a family. I am going to take more leave this year and take Josh fishing and camping more. I'm going to hook onto that trailer and drag it away from our lot a couple of times this year. I'm going to learn to be a better mentor for my son's football program and less of a side-lines yeller.

Oh, and I promised you I was going to tie that piano thing in. I'm going to add something beautiful. See, with the septic tank, and the solar panels and those things, I satisfy my need for necessary creation. I satisfy my inner geek at working through the calculations for Ohms Law and the angle of the solar panels and the cheapest but best way to mount them. I get all that. The water line allows me to start planting. Planting of course in and of itself is really a metaphor for life isn't it? The walnut trees I plant this year, will twenty years from now provide shade for Josh's kids. I imagine a tire swing from one of them. Putting up a fence allows me to get a goat. Yeah, I said a goat. Stacey's always wanted a miniature goat. So, if I have water, and a fence, why not a goat to chew down the weeds around the fences? Hey, this is our dream, get your own. But the piano...the piano is something I've never considered. See, I have an ability to write things down. I can make people laugh, I can tug at their heart strings. But once I've written it down, I have to re-read it and then critique my spelling, my grammatical infractions and it loses it's luster. I'm a thinker but more than that I'm a "feeler". I feel things that remind me I'm still alive, I'm still here, and I'm still learning.

That's what I really want from the piano. I want to be able to open my heart up and pour it out through some of my favorite songs once I've learned them. I'll give you an example, you know the theme from, The Man from Snowy River? Yeah, I'd like to be able to play that. I'd also like to be able to play some of the songs from, "Phantom of the Opera." I already told I like to sing, but there's a part of my person that's not being expressed or explored. That's what I'm hoping for with this experience. Perhaps I'm not going to be any good at the piano. Perhaps I might be really really good. I just dont know yet. But I feel like there's an aspect of my personality that's languishing and needs to be exercised. I love the military. I love the responsibility, the life or death reality of my work. I love writing. I love bringing someone into my world for fifteen minutes while they read my intimate thoughts. I love creating and engineering projects, so I love to work on my lot...but most of all, I love beautiful things. I want to be able to play in music, what I hear in my head when I'm 2 days from a trailhead in the Uintah Mountains. I want to put into play what I feel when I walk through golden aspens in late September as the wind plays on the leaves and I smell the beginning decay of the season. I want to put into music what I feel when I see my children, engrossed in watching, "Bambi" for the very first time and to see her expression when the birds flutter and sing and Bambi discovers a skunk named, "Flower". These are the moments that are fleeting. They're one of a kind to say the least. They are special, and they are a manifestation of the reality of a Heavenly Father that must also rejoice when he sees me learning and growing and making righteous and Heavenly choices.

So that's what I want. I want that part of me. I want to capture that, bottle it, and be able to play it back when I'm having a tough day. I want to be able to exact those moments a little more at will, and a little less by chance. I want that something beautiful for me and mine.

Anyhow, I should close. I've rattled off enough nonesense for today. I'm going to shut down the computer again and soak in my wife and kids. I'm going to enjoy the last fleeting hours we have before the world steps in and requires of us another hectic week. But before the end of the day, I'm going to sit down and practice my piano lesson, and then, after I think I've done the best I can, I'm going to ask Stacey if she has time, to play me something beautiful.

I hope you find something beautiful in your day too.

J