Addictions....

Hey guys (n' gals). Hope things have been great for you lately. I've been busy. We had Governor's Day this past weekend and then drill again on Sunday. It's been busy. I had Friday off last week, and ran around getting stuff done for the house. You know, the standard. Working on a sprinkler, cleaning out the garage, the usual. So I guess I dont really have much to report to be honest with you.

Except maybe today. Today was an interesting day. Today I counseled a Soldier who's potential got a drinking problem. Really odd actually, because last week we listened to a comedian come and talk to us about his own personal issues involving alcohol and drug use and the loss of his brother to suicide. Anyhow, this Soldier within my command has a drinking issue. She uses alcohol to soothe whatever issues she's dealing with. Coupled with some prescription drug use for some pretty heavy back issues, this is a recipe for disaster.

Well, the First Sergeant and I, together with our Drug and Alcohol Abuse specialist and this Soldier's first-line leader sat down to talk. It was an intervention really. The Soldier admitted to her boss that she's drank to excess, pretty much nightly and often mixes the affects of the pain medications as a result. She's got a serious problem. My job as the commander is of course to offer the Soldier help, but to uphold the requirements of military service within my command.

Well, I'll be honest. I didnt expect this Soldier to own most of this. She did exactly what I expected. Minimized the usage, and denied the one-time use of marijuana. Personally, I dont understand marijuana usage, so I have no frame of reference as to it's draw. I just plain disagree with it's use. Alcohol in moderation doesnt bother me so I get the ability to waiver on the use of it. So, this Soldier pretty well broke down and got emotional. Denied the over-use and was interested in "clearing her name". Of course she was worried about an in-patient recovery option as well as her standing in the organization. We really were there to help her and I sincerely hope she understands that.

I guess today I saw a little bit of my own challenges in this Soldier that I've personally dealt with. I dont have issues with alcohol or drugs. I dont have issues with most things. But I know what addiction is all about. I've been there. I've lived it and I'd say I honestly am not sure I'll ever be, "cured". Addiction and acceptance of our own weaknesses and challenges really means that we'll never be, "ok" or normal in that regard again. Personally I have some challenges which are always going to affect me. The worst part about addiction, is that it never goes away. You can't "un-learn" what you know. You know EXACTLY how to get what you want to feel. You know the results will be immediate. They will be lasting, and they will leave you hollow once it wears off. The other thing about addiction, is that it's so powerful, you actually consider it on almost a daily basis as your method of coping. See, my personal addiction consumed me. It owned everything about me. I didnt care about anyone or anything as much as I did feeling that, "drug". I was able to rationalize just about anything I needed to in order to maintain it. What's horrible about it, is that you know it's wrong. You know the potential danger, and you still choose to pursue it. You get to a point, while you're trying to find the deep-end of the pool, that you can't touch the bottom anymore.

It's a wonderfully horrible feeling to be helpless to something. Especially when it's packaged in such a way that you can start justifying how you've always been and behaved before. You can honestly say, "that's just how I am. I dont have a problem, it's everyone else that does." But of course you know better. When you're involved in an addiction, you tell yourself that it's just you that you're affecting. You alone bear the burden and you alone will pay the price. But that's never the case. It can't be. That's the lie. All of use are loved by so many people around us. Some of these addictions can be so damaging that they change who we are fundamentally as a person.

So, as I sat there, I thought about my own challenges. How daily I have to run through a checklist. I weigh and re-weigh the options periodically. What will this mean if I do. Can I beat this? Will it always own me, or will I ever be in charge? That's the initial shock to it. The belief that it's always going to own you. Also, you realize there's a part of you that must stay completely away from any semblance of a relationship with what affects you. Alcoholics can't have, "just one" drink. I can't have "just one..." That's tough. Especially when you think you're, "cured". 'Cause, as an addict, you never will be. It's always going to be your individual challenge.

So, I probably said way too much here. My point is that I understand this young Soldier. I understand she's not as yet willing to admit she's powerless in one or more aspects of her life. I understand that she may not get there for a while. It's a bitter pill to swallow when you fancy yourself as a warrior to admit there's something you can't do on your own. We're taught to never accept defeat. Never give up. Asking for help is tantamount to failure as a Soldier. That's a scary thought.

Today I choose to believe you have to be stronger to stay away from those things that affect you. There's nothing wrong with admitting a weakness for something. Especially when it keeps you on the straight-and-narrow. To me, I know I have challenges now. I know that I have been given a vast array of talents. But there are some things which can be used against me by the adversary, that would ordinarily be considered a talent.

So, this Soldier, is at a crossroads of sorts. It's been brought about publically which really makes someone put their sheilds up. She didnt exactly come forward of her own accord, but certainly others saw her spiralling out of control.

I dont have an answer how this is going to turn out for this individual. I personally think she'll be, "strong" and admit her own weaknesses and challenges. I think she'll avail herself of the help available from those that care about her. I think she'll come out of this a much stronger individual than she was before. I think that's been the case for me. In many ways things are so much clearer than they have ever been before. However, that comes at a cost. That cost is admittance that I have an issue and a personal challenge that is not easily understood by many, but affects me greatly. I also have to admit that I have ownership of it, and that I have control if I choose to. I no longer have the luxury of, "that's just me and you have to accept the reality of it." My challenge is not something I'm particularly proud of being involved in, but I now in retrospect see a pattern I've been quietly following all my life. It's now up to me to decide to no longer accept the excuses and do something about it. I've got to own it.

Addictions of any sort can be so humiliating to admit. First to ourselves. That's the most difficult part. The other part is to admit it to those that care the most about us. Guess what? Those that truly matter never stop loving us. They may not understand it, but they will certainly try and help us over it. I think that's the other thing. You can't do it alone. Oh believe me. Oh, and you can't beat it with someone just like you. DONT EVER TRY THAT!!! "Dr. Heal thy self", is a prescription for failure. I guess to me that's like one crack-addict trying to convince another crack-addict to stop. Just doesnt work out that way.

So, my point in all this, is yeah, I understand her plight. BELIEVE me. It's humiliating to have always been the helper, and now have to become the help-ee. But, I've done it. I feel great. I really do. I know I'm square with my Heavenly Father. I know I'm doing the absolute best I can. I can wake up and go about my day not hiding anything from those that love me the very most. It's very liberating. It's incredibly humbling too. I think that's a side benefit of this all. The humility that comes with having to go to a Heavenly Father and admit we'd lied to ourselves so long we no longer know the truth ourselves.

OK, I gotta go. I guess my last piece of advice is whatever you're dealing with, as an addiction, you find the help you need. That you get outside of yourself and do something about it. That you become, "strong" and admit your own weakness and fix it. Once and for all. Of course, you may be left with something that you may carry for a very long long time. Perhaps forever. But that knowledge of our own personal challenges I believe brings us closer to our Heavenly Father. Because we know of His love and affections for us. How much he wants us to succeed. If we dont avail ourselves of that help, we never change, we never fully progress. We make choices which can irreparably damage our relationships with those that mean the most to us.

OK, I seriously have to help out around here.

All the best to you guys.

Have a great night.

J