So, lately I've been working hard at the office. We have a ton of stuff going on. Most of it is involving internal issues involving the planning and funding of future ranges and facilities. Additionally we've enjoyed quite a shake-up in our full-time personnel. I'm trying to replace (this week anyhow) a Range Safety Officer, as well as shift personnel to cover the loss of a senior NCO authorization. That's Army talk for, "we're experiencing cutbacks in personnel." Anyhow, I've been sort of at a loss as to what to write about of late. Not really feeling the inspirational charge to victory that occasionally washes over me. To be honest I've been sort of mellow, despite all the big-boy challenges that come along with being a husband, father, Soldier and friend. Luckily, I've really cut back on my friends, so I don't have THEM continually slowing me down with all their offers to go to dinner and play Yahtzee, or Pictionary, or whatever couples of couples do these days. Pretty much I wake up, workout, go to work, come home, do a sink of dishes, sweep the kitchen, empty the garbage's, pick up the front room, nag my son, administer food to them, clean up again, sweep up again, pack my gym bag, and repeat the process. Don't get me wrong, I've had days where I've been totally upset about the whole treadmill going nowhere process, but in a way, I've found a little peace in it. It's just the way it is. I've also been extremely frustrated by finances, co-workers, and fellow commuters alike. I guess what I mean to say is, I'm pretty selfish. But I'm ok with that. Well, not really. I'm really trying to work on my attitude.
Man its cold in my office. I have this little ceramic heater blowing right on me and still my fingers are numb. I don't like to be cold. I seriously hate cold. I'm not a giant fan of Iraqi Summer heat either, but cold sucks. Which reminds me, you can quit nagging now, I replaced the sheer pin on the snow blower, so it's ready to go if any of these next three major snow events come to bear. Anyhow, so I was saying…wait, I also want you to know, just 'cause, I'm down to drinking only one (ONE) 12 oz Diet Coke each day. I've really made a concerted effort to wean myself off of it. Believe it or not, I've been packing around one of those Maverik (yes, that's how they spell it) punch cards where the tenth one is free for over two months now. Used to be, that every two weeks or less, I'd have myself a "freeeeeee"52 oz Diet Luv, courtesy of the House. Anyhow, I've been religiously attending the yim, and I've even dabbled into a couple of new exercise regimens. (You've gotta "shock" the glutes). Anyhow there's this, "Ap" called, "Men's Health Workouts Lite" I've tried once a week. It's free and I highly recommend it. I've been doing the, "Spartacus" once a week in addition to the other stuff I got going. I'll be honest with you, my arse hurts for two days after from the squats and lunges and other stuff involved in the highly intense sadism involved in their little workout. I still hit the heavy bag on Tuesdays to fight off the demons, I still hit the weights, and am back to throwing in the cardio on Fridays. OK, all very boring stuff. Point is, across the spectrum I'm seriously trying to improve my station in life. I've even started reading my scriptures (while in dispose) at 04:20 in the morning mind you.
Yeah, you heard me right. I've even been reading my scriptures. I won't go into it here, but suffice it to say, it's really made a difference in my level of patience with the kids. Instead of flipping out on them the moment I walk in the door, I often can last upwards of five, sometimes seven minutes. I know, by volume not a lot, but by percentage? Yeah, I'm making THAT kind of progress. *sniff*
So what else? Oh yeah, filed the taxes and true to form, we're going to break even this year again. Well, not exactly, we're going to pay off our little loan we had last year for the water at the lot, then we're going to pay off a credit card, and pretty much….start right back at zero again. It's frustrating I tell you. I just can't make sense of the math. No matter how you slice it, I ALWAYS break even. I guess I should say, "We". Stacey and I that is. Stuff just comes up you know. I have all these selfish designs on a shed for the lot, or a new generator, or a 600 watt solar array kit (eBay $1275.00 no shipping!). Every day I trip over the carpet that's separating from the linoleum (yeah, that's how we roll) (insert, "I wanna be a Rock Star"-Nickleback). I already told you about the freezer incident last quarter. So I sold Big Green and went to a little economical rice burner Honda product as you know. I figured just in gas I am $300 bucks ahead each month. We're using the, "Cash for Lunch" program and I only eat out once (maybe twice) a week at ten bucks a pop. We refinanced le casa and saved 197.00 a month. All this and we're STILL breaking even. It's incredible I tell you. Like all couples should, we sit down and pour over the budget, and while we're not eating beans every meal, there's just not a lot left at the end of the pay period.
I think my personal frustration is that I can't understand how having 500 bucks more each month doesn't naturally equate to available funding streams for stuff I wanna do. (Told you I was selfish). But I look at our house, and I really want to get Stacey a new couch, new carpet, new chair in the front room, etc. I really do. I've even accepted that not all extra money can go to the lot in the form of facilities or maintenance. But if we budget for Christmas, Football, Dance, Soccer, Birthdays, Trips, (Clothing???)…well there's just nothing left over for upgrades. It's supremely annoying, and I have to keep telling myself that we're doing the right thing using the pay-as-you-go method. As I told you, I don't have a lot of patience, but more importantly, it makes me feel as though I'm doing something wrong as a husband or provider. I know what I make, and to be honest, I wonder how all my neighbors are doing it. I just keep telling myself that there's wisdom and peace in not being subject to debt.
Wow, that took a real turn for the negative. Point is, I'm just starting to mature enough to accept that, "This is why we can't have nice things" applies to us. I mean really, if I replaced a couch, and got new carpet, within six hours, there's be a puddle of chocolate milk, crushed up goldfish crackers, an assembly of Barbie clothing, and a whole slug of other undeterminable stuffed down between the cushions and ground into the carpet anyhow. I keep telling myself that ten short years from now we can finally have nice things. But I'm being serious; I really am ok with it. Just in the past couple weeks I've really stopped fighting it. Kids are kids. They cost money. We have a TON of them. Let's be honest, nothing of substance or value is really tied to anything tangible, it's really about their personal growth.
I think what helps me realize that, is trying to keep an Eternal perspective on things. Which, I'll tell you, I'm not good at. It's tough for me. I don't naturally gravitate towards their eternal potential when I'm bearing down on a 12 year old boy who's moping around because he has a D in keyboarding and we took away his Xbox and his IPod. I lecture the crap out of him, laying on that thick Catholic Guilt my mother taught me in my youth. "Son", I say, "I'd REALLY love to replace that broken screen on your $200 IPod, but I just don't have time to take you because I'm following you around closing cupboards, turning off lights, fixing things, putting bikes away, and now, nagging you for the past two hours to finish a single page of math." Pretty much I have that on a loop so I can play it back at will.
OK, finally the good news. So, we watched, as a family (on The Netflix) last night a couple episodes of, "The Wonder Years." You may not be old enough (or young enough) to remember it, but it's a series written from the perspective of a 13 year old boy, played by Fred Savage. Anyhow, we all really laughed, and laughed a lot, at the commonalities displayed in the show. I think it gave us all an opportunity to pause and realize…we're normal. No, really, we're normal. The dad was griping about the cost of an alternator for the family trickster, the mom was settling the kids down, the dad is grumpy, but loves his kids and just wants opportunity to teach them. It's really a well done show, and now that it's 20 plus years old, and I'm looking at it from the parents' perspective, it's taken on a whole new meaning. So, going further, last night, Kevin, the protagonist, was having difficulty with math. He was afraid to ask for help, and was really laying it on thick. Without recounting the whole story, suffice it to say, Josh and I quietly sat there and with knowing looks, when back in forth laughing at ourselves. Me, laughing at the dad who flies off the handle about the older brother driving the car into the cornfield, and him, recognizing himself in a young boy faced with scholastic requirements that cause him to stretch further and further outside of his comfort zone.
Anyhow, I just want you to know that things aren't so bleak. I guess we all learn something along the way. We all have similar frustrations with kids, and relationships, money, work. You're no different I guess, and neither am I. Anyhow, I just wanted to share that with you and hopefully, here at the end, you can have yourself a wonderful day despite whatever family activity you haven't planned but are attending anyhow. In parting, if I've offended you, or you me, there's no hard feelings. We're all just trying to do the best we can. Someday we'll look back at this, in the light of Super Eight film strip, and see that we're just repeating the cycle, learning what mom and dad already know, and what someday, we'll be able to sit quietly at our children's' dinner table, watching the malaise, and in our heart know they'll someday recognize as well.
All the best meow,
J
