Hey long time no see. Wow, been busy of late I tell ya. Just freakin' swamped with all the goings-on. Olivia and Sam have been tag-teaming us as a couple the past two months or so and we're starting to wear. Lately in fact, usually around 3 am, Olivia cries out and does her best to wake up the whole house. So we've just relented and ended up with her in our bed from 3 onward. Then about five, Sam wakes up and wants another bottle and we start the whole thing over again.
I started that new job with the brigade I told you about. It's a pretty good gig. The people I work with are really nice. Not to mention incredibly bright and good at what they do. There are a lot of prima-dona's in the mix so it becomes difficult sometimes to get those above me to put the hammer down on items that are of real import. I get it, it's a cultural shift from the Engineers and what I'm used to. This is more corporate mindset, but it can be difficult to get stuff done in a military manner when you dont have that all important backing of your superiors. It's more of a, "Love Them Better" mentality. Sort of like church leadership I guess. We'll just hint around until they feel like complying. We wouldnt want to hurt anyone's feelings or make them feel small.
So what else? Well, I'm still plugging away at the piano. In fact, I'm getting quite good at my primary songs. "I love to see the temple" and, "Popcorn Popping" are well within my purvue. "Book of Mormon Stories" however continues to plague me. But I'm going to get it sooner or later. It's tough to get time to practice. As soon as I walk in the door, there's another requirement. (Preaching to the choir I'm sure here). So, a typical week goes like this: Monday, up at 4:45, off to work, P.T. by 530, start work at 700, work till five, home at five, listen to someone pound on the piano while I stir the __________ on the stove, yell at Josh, separate Olivia and her dirty diaper, pick up Sam, feed Sam, hand Sam to Lexi, Stacey heads to the gym, I'm in charge, she returns at 9:30, rinse, lather, repeat as desired; Tuesday, just like Monday; Wednesday, add in Scouts from 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm, come home, attempt to practice piano, end up cleaning up the dishes, yell at Josh, separate Josh and ______________, fight with Olivia....; Thursday, similar, but Stacey has piano lessons when I get home. Stir_______ on the stove, yell at Josh, change Olivia, Yell at Lexi, Tell Hallee to go home, eat...send Stacey to the gym so she gets time alone. Friday I sleep late (7:00) wake up, head to the gym (selfishly I might add) come home, let Stacey head to the gym, look at the piano (dont play it), clean up the garage/basement/kid' rooms, etc. (do the dishes again), feed Sam, wait for Stacey to get ready, go run errands from 1:00 to 4:00, date night at 6:00, Saturday/Sunday are 1:4 drills.
So, you get the picture, it's busy at Casa de Kenworthy. But somewhere therein, we've been very blessed. I told you I was going to put the septic and water in at the lot this year. Yeah....about that...no dice. It turns out the water share we were going to purchase ....ahem...dried up.
So, the next a...I think I told you this already. Anyhow, so we didnt get the water. Instead we decided ...actually, I demanded, let's be honest, that we pay off the kids' braces (x3), Stacey's eye surgery, our credit card, (pay some tithing in there somewhere) and pay for our Teasdale trip. Ironically, we ended up at the end of day, 300.00 ahead. So, I guess I can't gripe too much, but I really had my heart set on getting some improvements done on the lot.
Well, this is a good opportunity to segue here. See, I've heard a lot of talk lately about the direction our nation is headed. I'll be honest, I'm sscared shit-less that we'll be dumb enough to vote that stupid sonofabitch back into office in November. Yeah, you know who I'm talking about. But, I'm more concerned, that we'll vote the same members of Congress back in as well. See, people dont really like to rock the boat in a recession. I'm really nervous. See, I was going to buy a new diesel pickup. Maybe not NEW but NEW-ER. But I just dont know which way we're headed. There's crap going down in Iran that we're not paying attention to, there's Syria, there's North Korea, the un-finished business in Afghanistan, and there's the current (lack-of) foreign policy and market uncertainty due to idiot government requirements continually levied. Anyhow, so I'm not really down with getting my family even further into debt at this juncture.
So, we've looked at moving. Part for a new start for our family, and part to take advantage of the lower home prices and interest rates. But something tells me to stay put. It's the damndest thing, because it goes against everything we personally want to do. We're in a very good position on our home, and it would be a welcome move as I say. We have just one car payment (a small lease) and no other outstanding bills. I would LIKE to buy a new truck, but there's nothing pressing me at this time. I WANT to take a loan against my 401K to put our water/sewer/power in, but the Spirit says, "negatory". So, we're just cutting figure eights here waiting for our chance at the dock I guess. I dont like waiting around either. Makes me feel like a target. But, the Lord says "stand-fast on all major under-takings", so we'll stand fast.
So, I guess where all this leads, is that I believe he's telling us this for a reason. I truly, with everything I know, believe we're headed for a sever economic down-turn. I am incredibly worried for my neighbors who have put themselves into a situation where they have little to now wiggle room. I'm worried that people have no food storage. I'm worried they're too far into debt, I'm worried that they dont really realize how close we are to a severe downturn and mass unemployment. Gas prices are edging up, and they're just not prepared. So, I guess, I'm saying at this point, if you're in a good position, STAY there. There's a reason you've been prompted to handle your business the way you have done. If you're looking over the fence at the Jones', and wondering how they continue to get over on minimal education, and effort, they aren't. They're about to experience some real ass-pain. I'm telling you. Aint no such thing as a short cut in life. You reap what you sew.
So, if you're feeling bad that you are doing everything you have been told to do, DONT. It's comin' around. I feel it. This is gonna get ugly. DONT put your family in a position to be swept away by the coming economic currents. Stacey and I have put away a small nest-egg thus far. We continue to contribute to our kids' college savings. We save 10% of our income and yes, we pay tithing. We've been incredibly blessed as a result. We are not suffering near the fear that some are, whom are riding the knife's edge and are about to get cut. Anyhow, keep doing the right thing, nobody is getting over on you. They'll get there's, just dont follow them in order to try and keep up appearances. Behind closed doors, they're maxed-out emotionally and have zero peace of mind.
Well hey listen, I gotta run. I didnt mean to get preachy on you. I just care about you. If you're reading this, it means we've established some sort of connection/friendship along the way, and I want the best for you.
So, yeah, anyhow...I gotta get engaged and get this milk in the fridge and the rest of this stuff Stacey just walked in before piano lessons start.
All the best kids,
J
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
Solar Babies and Teasdale
Hey, so it's been a while since I posted. I've been busy, but I appreciate the opportunity to jot down some of my thoughts as things transpire. Well, this is more of a post-operative...post I guess. Anyhow, let me catch you up. Have a seat will ya? I'm not sure how much time I have. We just arrived home about an hour or so ago from our trip down to Capitol Reef. See this year we decided that going in February would be a better idea that buying 80.00 in flowers and going to a movie and dinner. So, last year we went down to this place in Teasdale and rented a cabin. It was a lot of fun and the kids enjoyed it, so we figured we'd do it again, this time a little later in the year.
So let's see, since last we spoke I started a new project. Yeah, I'm full of projects. Oh, I got a new job too. I'm still with the Guard, but I'm the S-1 of a Brigade now. That's a fancy way of saying, "Personnel Officer". What else? Oh, I put my packet in for Major, so I should be promoted soon. Which is nice, because we could really use a little extra ching-ching lyin' about so we can do a little more around the lot and perhaps the house. So, to that end, the lot I mean, I bought a bunch of batteries. Wait, lemme back up a little. See, I bought a couple of solar panels from Harbor Freight last month. They were on sale for about 169.00 a piece so I picked a couple up. I dabbled a little with the idea of a solar recharge for our trailer batteries a couple of years ago, but I only purchased a 15 watt trickle charger. So, we went up to Currant Creek with the family over the 4th of July last year and I wired up four, vice two batteries to the trailer, along with my charger and it sort of planted a seed in me.
OK, let me just lay it out for you. See, I can't get power on our lot, until we get water. We cant get water, until we have a septic system. We cant have a septic system...uh...until we have water??? Yeah, you heard me right. It's a vicious cycle of stupidity. I'm trying to out-dumb the County of Duchesne, but I'm afraid they're going to win in this regard. Usually I can out-dumb someone. They ask me a dumb question, and I ask a dumber one, until both of us regress to basically reptilian responses and gutteral exchanges. So anyhow, we filed for our taxes, and believe it or not, but when you have five kids, and you haven't changed your deductions since 2003, chances are you've over-paid and you have a sizeable chunk of change coming your way. So, this year, after Turbo-Tax and I went to work, we had a nice dent in what we needed for my 6500.00 septic system, and what I had anticipated to be a 2500.00 water connection. Well, as it turns out, the water (private) that WAS 2500.00 last year, sold their last share, but the City water, at 7800.00 for a connection fee was still available. (Lucky me). So, I told the contractor to just put in the Septic and we'd get the water later. He informed me that is not an option, and that we needed proof of potable water to the lot before we could pull the permit for the septic. So, I said, fine. Whatever. Just put in the water this year, and I'll do the septic next year. Yeah, no dice fellah. Turns out, you can't have the chicken, without the egg. You can't have the egg...without the chicken. So I'm right back where I started from. And...as you guessed it, not a pot to p....in.
So, we decided instead to pay off some bills. Here's the good news. We'll have all the kids' braces (x3 of them) paid off, our single credit card again at zero, and Stacey's eye surgery paid off. Plus, if you act now, we can pay our tithing (which we planned to anyhow) and pay for our Teasdale trip and have a couple hundred bones to put back in the lockbox for the Zombie Apocalypse. No rest for the wicked I tell ya.
So, during this whole discovery session, I purchased those aforementioned two solar panels from Harbor Freight and planned a little experiment at the lot. See, here's my plan. Two 90 watt solar panels, charging 7-10 deep cycle batteries. Then I purchased among other things, an inverter, to turn the DC, into 110 AC, so we can run the microwave, hair dryer, TV etc without firing up the generator. So, all told, I had three batteries from last year, and purchased four more. Yeah, I used my Navy Federal Account Slush Fund (I dump a 100 bucks a month into it for just such an occaision via alotment) Anyhow, so I then ordered through Amazon.com a solar charge controller (30 amp) and the inverter at around 80 bucks. The batteries were about sixty bucks a piece. Then I'm going to build a stand for my panels to get them about six feet off the ground, and a little shed to put the battery bank in. I'm actually incredibly excited about the whole deal to be perfectly honest. Well here's the kicker. Stacey really wanted this Honda EU generator. They're normally about 1200 bucks new. So far I've spent around nine hundred on my little experiment and I still need to build a shed and do some creative wiring to make this whole thing work.
So, I know we're upside down on this whole deal, but I could give two-chits to be honest. It's really a fun little science experiment, and I'm really enjoying to the figuring on how to wire it all up and how long this will last. How many panels I need, and how many batteries are sufficient for our needs. So I'm enjoying it. Anyhow, I needed a shed anyhow, and so I have plenty to do this next Spring to keep me occupied.
Where were we? Oh yeah, so we went to Teasdale this weekend, it was cold but we had a great time. We rented a little bigger cabin this time, and we hung out with our friends each night and watched a movie and ate dinner together. Not necessarily in that order. We hiked six miles round-trip to a waterfall, and we drove down into the park on another day when it was really cold.
Hey, listen, I gotta cut this short. Everyone needs a bath and I've got to get re-engaged again. I hope you enjoyed by little rant, and if you see me feel free to ask me what the hell I was thinking with creating more work with the solar power deal instead of just buying the high-speed generator.
Anyhow, all the best and see you later,
J
So let's see, since last we spoke I started a new project. Yeah, I'm full of projects. Oh, I got a new job too. I'm still with the Guard, but I'm the S-1 of a Brigade now. That's a fancy way of saying, "Personnel Officer". What else? Oh, I put my packet in for Major, so I should be promoted soon. Which is nice, because we could really use a little extra ching-ching lyin' about so we can do a little more around the lot and perhaps the house. So, to that end, the lot I mean, I bought a bunch of batteries. Wait, lemme back up a little. See, I bought a couple of solar panels from Harbor Freight last month. They were on sale for about 169.00 a piece so I picked a couple up. I dabbled a little with the idea of a solar recharge for our trailer batteries a couple of years ago, but I only purchased a 15 watt trickle charger. So, we went up to Currant Creek with the family over the 4th of July last year and I wired up four, vice two batteries to the trailer, along with my charger and it sort of planted a seed in me.
OK, let me just lay it out for you. See, I can't get power on our lot, until we get water. We cant get water, until we have a septic system. We cant have a septic system...uh...until we have water??? Yeah, you heard me right. It's a vicious cycle of stupidity. I'm trying to out-dumb the County of Duchesne, but I'm afraid they're going to win in this regard. Usually I can out-dumb someone. They ask me a dumb question, and I ask a dumber one, until both of us regress to basically reptilian responses and gutteral exchanges. So anyhow, we filed for our taxes, and believe it or not, but when you have five kids, and you haven't changed your deductions since 2003, chances are you've over-paid and you have a sizeable chunk of change coming your way. So, this year, after Turbo-Tax and I went to work, we had a nice dent in what we needed for my 6500.00 septic system, and what I had anticipated to be a 2500.00 water connection. Well, as it turns out, the water (private) that WAS 2500.00 last year, sold their last share, but the City water, at 7800.00 for a connection fee was still available. (Lucky me). So, I told the contractor to just put in the Septic and we'd get the water later. He informed me that is not an option, and that we needed proof of potable water to the lot before we could pull the permit for the septic. So, I said, fine. Whatever. Just put in the water this year, and I'll do the septic next year. Yeah, no dice fellah. Turns out, you can't have the chicken, without the egg. You can't have the egg...without the chicken. So I'm right back where I started from. And...as you guessed it, not a pot to p....in.
So, we decided instead to pay off some bills. Here's the good news. We'll have all the kids' braces (x3 of them) paid off, our single credit card again at zero, and Stacey's eye surgery paid off. Plus, if you act now, we can pay our tithing (which we planned to anyhow) and pay for our Teasdale trip and have a couple hundred bones to put back in the lockbox for the Zombie Apocalypse. No rest for the wicked I tell ya.
So, during this whole discovery session, I purchased those aforementioned two solar panels from Harbor Freight and planned a little experiment at the lot. See, here's my plan. Two 90 watt solar panels, charging 7-10 deep cycle batteries. Then I purchased among other things, an inverter, to turn the DC, into 110 AC, so we can run the microwave, hair dryer, TV etc without firing up the generator. So, all told, I had three batteries from last year, and purchased four more. Yeah, I used my Navy Federal Account Slush Fund (I dump a 100 bucks a month into it for just such an occaision via alotment) Anyhow, so I then ordered through Amazon.com a solar charge controller (30 amp) and the inverter at around 80 bucks. The batteries were about sixty bucks a piece. Then I'm going to build a stand for my panels to get them about six feet off the ground, and a little shed to put the battery bank in. I'm actually incredibly excited about the whole deal to be perfectly honest. Well here's the kicker. Stacey really wanted this Honda EU generator. They're normally about 1200 bucks new. So far I've spent around nine hundred on my little experiment and I still need to build a shed and do some creative wiring to make this whole thing work.
So, I know we're upside down on this whole deal, but I could give two-chits to be honest. It's really a fun little science experiment, and I'm really enjoying to the figuring on how to wire it all up and how long this will last. How many panels I need, and how many batteries are sufficient for our needs. So I'm enjoying it. Anyhow, I needed a shed anyhow, and so I have plenty to do this next Spring to keep me occupied.
Where were we? Oh yeah, so we went to Teasdale this weekend, it was cold but we had a great time. We rented a little bigger cabin this time, and we hung out with our friends each night and watched a movie and ate dinner together. Not necessarily in that order. We hiked six miles round-trip to a waterfall, and we drove down into the park on another day when it was really cold.
Hey, listen, I gotta cut this short. Everyone needs a bath and I've got to get re-engaged again. I hope you enjoyed by little rant, and if you see me feel free to ask me what the hell I was thinking with creating more work with the solar power deal instead of just buying the high-speed generator.
Anyhow, all the best and see you later,
J
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Something Beautiful...
I wanted to write something great today. I've wanted to for a few days actually. Well, longer really, but it's been sort of twirling around in my head for a while trying to get out, with no real venue to speak of. You're probably aware by now that I have taken up piano lessons. I'm in my fourth week and already I'm making great strides (if I do say so myself). I'm learning all sorts of things about C,D,E,F,G and chords and timing and staffs and grandstaffs and what not. Additionally, I've had opportunity become of some things that have transpired at work, to assess what my next step is for work life, home life, etc. I've really tried to focus on being better on my scripture study, speaking kindly about others, forgiveness, being forgiven, being helpful and other things. Sometimes I feel like I'm a totally different person than I was a couple of years ago, sometimes I feel like I'm right back where I started again.
Well, anyway if you know me, you've probably seen a change in me. Some for the good, and some I need to still work on. I think that's why I took up the piano this year. I want something beautiful in my life. Something creative. Dont get me wrong, I'm totally surrounded by incredible and amazing, and yes, beautiful people. My spouse is without doubt the most beautiful of those blessings in my life. So I suppose it only stands to reason that she's also teaching me to play the piano. OK, so, I'll let you in on a little secret. Well, I think you dont know, but you probably already do, I love to sing. Yeah, I know, not that tough, not that cool, not that manly, but whatever. I love to sing some of the church hymns because they have a powerful message and they touch me deeply when I sing them. But lately, that's not enough. I think it's one thing to share in someone else's words and music and learn from them how their heart feels about this or that.
So, what I'm finding is that learning the piano is going to be quite an endeavor. One which I'm prepared to put the time in for, because I feel it's worth it. See, I'm ready to create again. For a while there, I was dead inside. Yeah, I know, I've had moments of great clarity, and moments of sheer terror at what I might find out about myself. I really lost all desire for anything. Not really a depression per se, but more of a loss of self. See, I used to leave little yellow stickies all over the house with artist's misconceptions about some project I wanted to work on. I draw sheds and I draw windmills and I draw technical schematics for patio's and other engineering stuff. But for a long time I lost that. We'd go up to our lot by Fruitland, and about all I could create was to cut a pad out with a backhoe to clear the sage brush. I was pretty well dead inside for ideas and any spark of excitement and personal growth.
Well, I guess what I'm saying is I'm getting that back. Two nights ago I sat almost straight up in the bed with a way to mount my solar panels that I bought for the trailer. Oh, you should see my vision too. It's simple, yet elegant, and efficient. I know, hold your applause 'till the end please. So, last year I bought two 225 gallon water tanks. One for a trailer, and one for the lot. See the idea is to fill up with water at my dad's place, then haul it over to my lot, and pump it in with a 12 volt pump into the one next to the trailer. Yeah, I acquired a metal stand that's about four feet off the ground to put this thing on, so that it gravity feeds into my trailer. Then we (dad and I) planted some trees. Then I drew a whole slew more of schematics with how to plant a row of maples for a wind-break, and a watering system. This Spring I bought those solar panels and yesterday my dad and I went over to my trailer at Camp Williams to put one together and see how it ticks. It's beautiful man, I tell yeah. At the end of the day I plan on having six 12v batteries and my two 45 watt panels charging. Then I'm going to get an inverter to run 110 off of it, and see how it works. I also have plans to buy a 600 watt windmill next year if I get the money in time.
I guess my point is, that I've come alive again inside. It feels really good and I'm excited about it. I'm so busy working on plans for a septic tank, and now a waterline and the tax money to enable us to do that is already on it's way. Oh, see I was nervous that the taxes would only pay for a septic tank, but last week I found out about a water connection I could get that would allow us to have both water and a place to put it this year. I'm pretty stoked about the whole deal to say the least. Then I also have my solar panel and battery pack project, and my brain is working again to create what I consider beautiful things. See, to me, I've already seen the vision of what our little place is going to look like. A metal building for our trailer to go under, a septic tank and a yard pump to fill the water up, a timer to water the trees, fencing around it and a split rail fence around the parking area. I have the kid's play house which needs a little tweaking and a safety railing. Guess what? It's all coming together.
I love working on things. Figuring out problems, coming up with practical and efficient solutions is really my thing. Yeah, I realize it's really geeky, and guess what? I just dont care. It's really something that gives me a creative outlet for all this stuff that goes around and around in my head all day.
So, about the piano lessons. Here's how I see it. I want to be a well rounded person. Yeah, I'm already a little tubby around the middle, but I mean mentally, emotionally, creatively and especially now, spiritually. There are so many valuable and worthwhile things in this world. So many things to occupy our attention. So many possibilities. I could just as easily make this year a study on human anatomy and basic chemistry. Or I could learn about Civil War history. I could start work on my MBA like I know I will start this year. So so many opportunities. But I've decided to focus instead on those things that bring my family and me the greatest satisfaction. These kids aren't going to live in our home forever. Anything I do needs to include them and maximizing out time together as a family. I am going to take more leave this year and take Josh fishing and camping more. I'm going to hook onto that trailer and drag it away from our lot a couple of times this year. I'm going to learn to be a better mentor for my son's football program and less of a side-lines yeller.
Oh, and I promised you I was going to tie that piano thing in. I'm going to add something beautiful. See, with the septic tank, and the solar panels and those things, I satisfy my need for necessary creation. I satisfy my inner geek at working through the calculations for Ohms Law and the angle of the solar panels and the cheapest but best way to mount them. I get all that. The water line allows me to start planting. Planting of course in and of itself is really a metaphor for life isn't it? The walnut trees I plant this year, will twenty years from now provide shade for Josh's kids. I imagine a tire swing from one of them. Putting up a fence allows me to get a goat. Yeah, I said a goat. Stacey's always wanted a miniature goat. So, if I have water, and a fence, why not a goat to chew down the weeds around the fences? Hey, this is our dream, get your own. But the piano...the piano is something I've never considered. See, I have an ability to write things down. I can make people laugh, I can tug at their heart strings. But once I've written it down, I have to re-read it and then critique my spelling, my grammatical infractions and it loses it's luster. I'm a thinker but more than that I'm a "feeler". I feel things that remind me I'm still alive, I'm still here, and I'm still learning.
That's what I really want from the piano. I want to be able to open my heart up and pour it out through some of my favorite songs once I've learned them. I'll give you an example, you know the theme from, The Man from Snowy River? Yeah, I'd like to be able to play that. I'd also like to be able to play some of the songs from, "Phantom of the Opera." I already told I like to sing, but there's a part of my person that's not being expressed or explored. That's what I'm hoping for with this experience. Perhaps I'm not going to be any good at the piano. Perhaps I might be really really good. I just dont know yet. But I feel like there's an aspect of my personality that's languishing and needs to be exercised. I love the military. I love the responsibility, the life or death reality of my work. I love writing. I love bringing someone into my world for fifteen minutes while they read my intimate thoughts. I love creating and engineering projects, so I love to work on my lot...but most of all, I love beautiful things. I want to be able to play in music, what I hear in my head when I'm 2 days from a trailhead in the Uintah Mountains. I want to put into play what I feel when I walk through golden aspens in late September as the wind plays on the leaves and I smell the beginning decay of the season. I want to put into music what I feel when I see my children, engrossed in watching, "Bambi" for the very first time and to see her expression when the birds flutter and sing and Bambi discovers a skunk named, "Flower". These are the moments that are fleeting. They're one of a kind to say the least. They are special, and they are a manifestation of the reality of a Heavenly Father that must also rejoice when he sees me learning and growing and making righteous and Heavenly choices.
So that's what I want. I want that part of me. I want to capture that, bottle it, and be able to play it back when I'm having a tough day. I want to be able to exact those moments a little more at will, and a little less by chance. I want that something beautiful for me and mine.
Anyhow, I should close. I've rattled off enough nonesense for today. I'm going to shut down the computer again and soak in my wife and kids. I'm going to enjoy the last fleeting hours we have before the world steps in and requires of us another hectic week. But before the end of the day, I'm going to sit down and practice my piano lesson, and then, after I think I've done the best I can, I'm going to ask Stacey if she has time, to play me something beautiful.
I hope you find something beautiful in your day too.
J
Well, anyway if you know me, you've probably seen a change in me. Some for the good, and some I need to still work on. I think that's why I took up the piano this year. I want something beautiful in my life. Something creative. Dont get me wrong, I'm totally surrounded by incredible and amazing, and yes, beautiful people. My spouse is without doubt the most beautiful of those blessings in my life. So I suppose it only stands to reason that she's also teaching me to play the piano. OK, so, I'll let you in on a little secret. Well, I think you dont know, but you probably already do, I love to sing. Yeah, I know, not that tough, not that cool, not that manly, but whatever. I love to sing some of the church hymns because they have a powerful message and they touch me deeply when I sing them. But lately, that's not enough. I think it's one thing to share in someone else's words and music and learn from them how their heart feels about this or that.
So, what I'm finding is that learning the piano is going to be quite an endeavor. One which I'm prepared to put the time in for, because I feel it's worth it. See, I'm ready to create again. For a while there, I was dead inside. Yeah, I know, I've had moments of great clarity, and moments of sheer terror at what I might find out about myself. I really lost all desire for anything. Not really a depression per se, but more of a loss of self. See, I used to leave little yellow stickies all over the house with artist's misconceptions about some project I wanted to work on. I draw sheds and I draw windmills and I draw technical schematics for patio's and other engineering stuff. But for a long time I lost that. We'd go up to our lot by Fruitland, and about all I could create was to cut a pad out with a backhoe to clear the sage brush. I was pretty well dead inside for ideas and any spark of excitement and personal growth.
Well, I guess what I'm saying is I'm getting that back. Two nights ago I sat almost straight up in the bed with a way to mount my solar panels that I bought for the trailer. Oh, you should see my vision too. It's simple, yet elegant, and efficient. I know, hold your applause 'till the end please. So, last year I bought two 225 gallon water tanks. One for a trailer, and one for the lot. See the idea is to fill up with water at my dad's place, then haul it over to my lot, and pump it in with a 12 volt pump into the one next to the trailer. Yeah, I acquired a metal stand that's about four feet off the ground to put this thing on, so that it gravity feeds into my trailer. Then we (dad and I) planted some trees. Then I drew a whole slew more of schematics with how to plant a row of maples for a wind-break, and a watering system. This Spring I bought those solar panels and yesterday my dad and I went over to my trailer at Camp Williams to put one together and see how it ticks. It's beautiful man, I tell yeah. At the end of the day I plan on having six 12v batteries and my two 45 watt panels charging. Then I'm going to get an inverter to run 110 off of it, and see how it works. I also have plans to buy a 600 watt windmill next year if I get the money in time.
I guess my point is, that I've come alive again inside. It feels really good and I'm excited about it. I'm so busy working on plans for a septic tank, and now a waterline and the tax money to enable us to do that is already on it's way. Oh, see I was nervous that the taxes would only pay for a septic tank, but last week I found out about a water connection I could get that would allow us to have both water and a place to put it this year. I'm pretty stoked about the whole deal to say the least. Then I also have my solar panel and battery pack project, and my brain is working again to create what I consider beautiful things. See, to me, I've already seen the vision of what our little place is going to look like. A metal building for our trailer to go under, a septic tank and a yard pump to fill the water up, a timer to water the trees, fencing around it and a split rail fence around the parking area. I have the kid's play house which needs a little tweaking and a safety railing. Guess what? It's all coming together.
I love working on things. Figuring out problems, coming up with practical and efficient solutions is really my thing. Yeah, I realize it's really geeky, and guess what? I just dont care. It's really something that gives me a creative outlet for all this stuff that goes around and around in my head all day.
So, about the piano lessons. Here's how I see it. I want to be a well rounded person. Yeah, I'm already a little tubby around the middle, but I mean mentally, emotionally, creatively and especially now, spiritually. There are so many valuable and worthwhile things in this world. So many things to occupy our attention. So many possibilities. I could just as easily make this year a study on human anatomy and basic chemistry. Or I could learn about Civil War history. I could start work on my MBA like I know I will start this year. So so many opportunities. But I've decided to focus instead on those things that bring my family and me the greatest satisfaction. These kids aren't going to live in our home forever. Anything I do needs to include them and maximizing out time together as a family. I am going to take more leave this year and take Josh fishing and camping more. I'm going to hook onto that trailer and drag it away from our lot a couple of times this year. I'm going to learn to be a better mentor for my son's football program and less of a side-lines yeller.
Oh, and I promised you I was going to tie that piano thing in. I'm going to add something beautiful. See, with the septic tank, and the solar panels and those things, I satisfy my need for necessary creation. I satisfy my inner geek at working through the calculations for Ohms Law and the angle of the solar panels and the cheapest but best way to mount them. I get all that. The water line allows me to start planting. Planting of course in and of itself is really a metaphor for life isn't it? The walnut trees I plant this year, will twenty years from now provide shade for Josh's kids. I imagine a tire swing from one of them. Putting up a fence allows me to get a goat. Yeah, I said a goat. Stacey's always wanted a miniature goat. So, if I have water, and a fence, why not a goat to chew down the weeds around the fences? Hey, this is our dream, get your own. But the piano...the piano is something I've never considered. See, I have an ability to write things down. I can make people laugh, I can tug at their heart strings. But once I've written it down, I have to re-read it and then critique my spelling, my grammatical infractions and it loses it's luster. I'm a thinker but more than that I'm a "feeler". I feel things that remind me I'm still alive, I'm still here, and I'm still learning.
That's what I really want from the piano. I want to be able to open my heart up and pour it out through some of my favorite songs once I've learned them. I'll give you an example, you know the theme from, The Man from Snowy River? Yeah, I'd like to be able to play that. I'd also like to be able to play some of the songs from, "Phantom of the Opera." I already told I like to sing, but there's a part of my person that's not being expressed or explored. That's what I'm hoping for with this experience. Perhaps I'm not going to be any good at the piano. Perhaps I might be really really good. I just dont know yet. But I feel like there's an aspect of my personality that's languishing and needs to be exercised. I love the military. I love the responsibility, the life or death reality of my work. I love writing. I love bringing someone into my world for fifteen minutes while they read my intimate thoughts. I love creating and engineering projects, so I love to work on my lot...but most of all, I love beautiful things. I want to be able to play in music, what I hear in my head when I'm 2 days from a trailhead in the Uintah Mountains. I want to put into play what I feel when I walk through golden aspens in late September as the wind plays on the leaves and I smell the beginning decay of the season. I want to put into music what I feel when I see my children, engrossed in watching, "Bambi" for the very first time and to see her expression when the birds flutter and sing and Bambi discovers a skunk named, "Flower". These are the moments that are fleeting. They're one of a kind to say the least. They are special, and they are a manifestation of the reality of a Heavenly Father that must also rejoice when he sees me learning and growing and making righteous and Heavenly choices.
So that's what I want. I want that part of me. I want to capture that, bottle it, and be able to play it back when I'm having a tough day. I want to be able to exact those moments a little more at will, and a little less by chance. I want that something beautiful for me and mine.
Anyhow, I should close. I've rattled off enough nonesense for today. I'm going to shut down the computer again and soak in my wife and kids. I'm going to enjoy the last fleeting hours we have before the world steps in and requires of us another hectic week. But before the end of the day, I'm going to sit down and practice my piano lesson, and then, after I think I've done the best I can, I'm going to ask Stacey if she has time, to play me something beautiful.
I hope you find something beautiful in your day too.
J
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