The Wonder Years

So, lately I've been working hard at the office.  We have a ton of stuff going on.  Most of it is involving internal issues involving the planning and funding of future ranges and facilities.  Additionally we've enjoyed quite a shake-up in our full-time personnel.  I'm trying to replace (this week anyhow) a Range Safety Officer, as well as shift personnel to cover the loss of a senior NCO authorization.  That's Army talk for, "we're experiencing cutbacks in personnel."  Anyhow, I've been sort of at a loss as to what to write about of late.  Not really feeling the inspirational charge to victory that occasionally washes over me.  To be honest I've been sort of mellow, despite all the big-boy challenges that come along with being a husband, father, Soldier and friend.  Luckily, I've really cut back on my friends, so I don't have THEM continually slowing me down with all their offers to go to dinner and play Yahtzee, or Pictionary, or whatever couples of couples do these days.  Pretty much I wake up, workout, go to work, come home, do a sink of dishes, sweep the kitchen, empty the garbage's, pick up the front room, nag my son, administer food to them, clean up again, sweep up again, pack my gym bag, and repeat the process.  Don't get me wrong, I've had days where I've been totally upset about the whole treadmill going nowhere process, but in a way, I've found a little peace in it.  It's just the way it is.  I've also been extremely frustrated by finances, co-workers, and fellow commuters alike.  I guess what I mean to say is, I'm pretty selfish.  But I'm ok with that.  Well, not really.  I'm really trying to work on my attitude.

Man its cold in my office.   I have this little ceramic heater blowing right on me and still my fingers are numb.  I don't like to be cold.  I seriously hate cold.   I'm not a giant fan of Iraqi Summer heat either, but cold sucks.  Which reminds me, you can quit nagging now, I replaced the sheer pin on the snow blower, so it's ready to go if any of these next three major snow events come to bear.  Anyhow, so I was saying…wait, I also want you to know, just 'cause, I'm down to drinking only one (ONE) 12 oz Diet Coke each day.  I've really made a concerted effort to wean myself off of it.  Believe it or not, I've been packing around one of those Maverik (yes, that's how they spell it) punch cards where the tenth one is free for over two months now.  Used to be, that every two weeks or less, I'd have myself a "freeeeeee"52 oz Diet Luv, courtesy of the House.  Anyhow, I've been religiously attending the yim, and I've even dabbled into a couple of new exercise regimens.  (You've gotta "shock" the glutes).   Anyhow there's this, "Ap" called, "Men's Health Workouts Lite" I've tried once a week.  It's free and I highly recommend it.  I've been doing the, "Spartacus" once a week in addition to the other stuff I got going.  I'll be honest with you, my arse hurts for two days after from the squats and lunges and other stuff involved in the highly intense sadism involved in their little workout.  I still hit the heavy bag on Tuesdays to fight off the demons, I still hit the weights, and am back to throwing in the cardio on Fridays.  OK, all very boring stuff.  Point is, across the spectrum I'm seriously trying to improve my station in life.  I've even started reading my scriptures (while in dispose) at 04:20 in the morning mind you. 

Yeah, you heard me right.  I've even been reading my scriptures.  I won't go into it here, but suffice it to say, it's really made a difference in my level of patience with the kids.  Instead of flipping out on them the moment I walk in the door, I often can last upwards of five, sometimes seven minutes.  I know, by volume not a lot, but by percentage? Yeah, I'm making THAT kind of progress.  *sniff*

 

So what else?  Oh yeah, filed the taxes and true to form, we're going to break even this year again.  Well, not exactly, we're going to pay off our little loan we had last year for the water at the lot, then we're going to pay off a credit card, and pretty much….start right back at zero again.  It's frustrating I tell you.  I just can't make sense of the math.  No matter how you slice it, I ALWAYS break even.  I guess I should say, "We". Stacey and I that is.  Stuff just comes up you know.  I have all these selfish designs on a shed for the lot, or a new generator, or a 600 watt solar array kit (eBay $1275.00 no shipping!).  Every day I trip over the carpet that's separating from the linoleum (yeah, that's how we roll) (insert, "I wanna be a Rock Star"-Nickleback).  I already told you about the freezer incident last quarter.   So I sold Big Green and went to a little economical rice burner Honda product as you know.  I figured just in gas I am $300 bucks ahead each month.  We're using the, "Cash for Lunch" program and I only eat out once (maybe twice) a week at ten bucks a pop.  We refinanced le casa and saved 197.00 a month.  All this and we're STILL breaking even.  It's incredible I tell you.  Like all couples should, we sit down and pour over the budget, and while we're not eating beans every meal, there's just not a lot left at the end of the pay period.  

I think my personal frustration is that I can't understand how having 500 bucks more each month doesn't naturally equate to available funding streams for stuff I wanna do. (Told you I was selfish).  But I look at our house, and I really want to get Stacey a new couch, new carpet, new chair in the front room, etc.  I really do.  I've even accepted that not all extra money can go to the lot in the form of facilities or maintenance. But if we budget for Christmas, Football, Dance, Soccer, Birthdays, Trips, (Clothing???)…well there's just nothing left over for upgrades.  It's supremely annoying, and I have to keep telling myself that we're doing the right thing using the pay-as-you-go method.  As I told you, I don't have a lot of patience, but more importantly, it makes me feel as though I'm doing something wrong as a husband or provider.  I know what I make, and to be honest, I wonder how all my neighbors are doing it.  I just keep telling myself that there's wisdom and peace in not being subject to debt.

Wow, that took a real turn for the negative.  Point is, I'm just starting to mature enough to accept that, "This is why we can't have nice things" applies to us.  I mean really, if I replaced a couch, and got new carpet, within six hours, there's be a puddle of chocolate milk, crushed up goldfish crackers, an assembly of Barbie clothing, and a whole slug of other undeterminable stuffed down between the cushions and ground into the carpet anyhow.  I keep telling myself that ten short years from now we can finally have nice things.  But I'm being serious; I really am ok with it.  Just in the past couple weeks I've really stopped fighting it.  Kids are kids. They cost money.  We have a TON of them.  Let's be honest, nothing of substance or value is really tied to anything tangible, it's really about their personal growth.

I think what helps me realize that, is trying to keep an Eternal perspective on things. Which, I'll tell you, I'm not good at.  It's tough for me. I don't naturally gravitate towards their eternal potential when I'm bearing down on a 12 year old boy who's moping around because he has a D in keyboarding and we took away his Xbox and his IPod.  I lecture the crap out of him, laying on that thick Catholic Guilt my mother taught me in my youth.  "Son", I say, "I'd REALLY love to replace that broken screen on your $200 IPod, but I just don't have time to take you because I'm following you around closing cupboards, turning off lights, fixing things, putting bikes away, and now, nagging you for the past two hours to finish a single page of math."  Pretty much I have that on a loop so I can play it back at will.

OK, finally the good news.  So, we watched, as a family (on The Netflix) last night a couple episodes of, "The Wonder Years."  You may not be old enough (or young enough) to remember it, but it's a series written from the perspective of a 13 year old boy, played by Fred Savage.  Anyhow, we all really laughed, and laughed a lot, at the commonalities displayed in the show.  I think it gave us all an opportunity to pause and realize…we're normal.  No, really, we're normal.  The dad was griping about the cost of an alternator for the family trickster, the mom was settling the kids down, the dad is grumpy, but loves his kids and just wants opportunity to teach them.  It's really a well done show, and now that it's 20 plus years old, and I'm looking at it from the parents' perspective, it's taken on a whole new meaning.  So, going further, last night, Kevin, the protagonist, was having difficulty with math.  He was afraid to ask for help, and was really laying it on thick.  Without recounting the whole story, suffice it to say, Josh and I quietly sat there and with knowing looks, when back in forth laughing at ourselves.  Me, laughing at the dad who flies off the handle about the older brother driving the car into the cornfield, and him, recognizing himself in a young boy faced with scholastic requirements that cause him to stretch further and further outside of his comfort zone.

Anyhow, I just want you to know that things aren't so bleak.  I guess we all learn something along the way.  We all have similar frustrations with kids, and relationships, money, work.  You're no different I guess, and neither am I.  Anyhow, I just wanted to share that with you and hopefully, here at the end, you can have yourself a wonderful day despite whatever family activity you haven't planned but are attending anyhow.  In parting, if I've offended you, or you me, there's no hard feelings.  We're all just trying to do the best we can.  Someday we'll look back at this, in the light of Super Eight film strip, and see that we're just repeating the cycle, learning what mom and dad already know, and what someday, we'll be able to sit quietly at our children's' dinner table, watching the malaise, and in our heart know they'll someday recognize as well. 

 

All the best meow,

 

J

Good, Better, and the Best

"Walking along beneath the lights of that miracle mile, Me and Mary making our way into the night

You can hear the cries from the carnival rides The pin-ball bells and the ski-ball slides

Watching the summer sun fall out of sight

There's a warm wind coming in from off of the ocean Making its way past the hotel walls to fill the street Mary is holding both of her shoes in her hand

Said she likes to feel the sand beneath her feet"

Morning'.  How are you?  Me, as you probably guessed, well I'm doin' fine.  So this morning...wait, where are my manners? Please, have a seat.  Can I get you something?  I had some Chicken Tikki Tikki Tempo Marsala that Stacey made the other day, but I just downed the last of the naan.  It's freakin' delicious man.  Anyhow, I've got soda, I've got some hardboiled eggs, three I think, or I have a couple apples that Hammy left bite marks in the other day.  It's a Fuji.  Anyhow, just help yourself, right there in the mini fridge.

Well, you're probably wondering why I opened with the Kenny Chesney lyrics this morning.  It's Sunday of course, and here I am at Drill...just...drillin' stuff, oh and uh...*sniff* not in the GOOD way.  No this is Army drill stuff.  Basically it's a chance to do everything I do Monday through Thursday most weeks, but extend the work week by donating another three days to the cause.  Hey don't feel bad for me though, as I've already alluded to in previous literary works, the remunerations and bennies are nothing to sneeze at, so you won't hear ME gripe.  Lessin' of course I was back in a combat zone, then I just, "Embrace the Suck."  *sip...ahhhh*

Hey so there I was, cruising up (down if you consider South down and North up) Redwood Road this morning.  Hoping my I.D. card was still stuck into my computer....WHICH...it was.  So Laila was playin' this little ditty about someone's wife lovin' him like Jesus does..which sorta got me to thinking.  Then, as I pulled into the gate, the aforementioned Chesney came on about the time I was committing to turn left into, Camp W.G. Williams.  I gotta be honest with ya, I seriously contemplated just bypassing the turn and continuing on to see what came over the radio next.  It's one of those contemplative, Sunday mornings that ol' Johnny Cash warned you about.  Somehow I see myself watching a kid playin' with a can that he was kickin'.  Oh and if you get none of these references, you may as well just politely excuse yourself, I'm not sure I can communicate outside of song lyrics, movie quotes, and double entendre' (what's the plural of, "double entendre'"?  Double(s) entendre'? I wonder if it's like, "Sergeants Major", anyhow not important). 

So of course I turned left, because duty calls.  I listened to the lyrics of this little anthem to living in the moment, and it sorta got me to thinkin'...again.  You know, I've got a lot of faults.  No seriously, a LOT of faults.  Well, take for example when I got back from Asscrackistan and was introduced to my new Ward (church) family.  Nice lot of folks.  There were some computer dorks, some mortgage bubbas, and an arssssssse load of real estate mini-moguls.  Anyhow, here I was trying to fit back into polite society, and making what I thought was a fairly decent effort.  So, early on in my cul-de-sac career, someone invites me up to this here Father and Son's (sons'???/ Fathers and son/ Fathers' and.....whatever) anyhow, boys and their daddies in the woods.  So I get these here directions that say something to the effect of, "Take the Jeremy Ranch exit up Parley's canyon, hit your trip meter, go a spell, make a left, go a spell or a ¼ mile or three see's and then go three more see's and another swaggle and you're halfway there.  Veer to the left (don't hit the deer) and you've arrived at, "Beaver Ridge....(get this...) GIRL'S Camp." And as I'm reading through these directions, I'm thinking, 'You're joking right? BEAVER ridge?  Someone picked that name for a GIRL'S camp??? Man I sure hope some of them turn 18 this weekend.' But of course I kept that all in the lock-box up stairs and just smiled and said I'd be there.  Now that's just ONE example in a litany of naughtiness that I'm capable of.  I don't even MEAN to be naughty.  It's just automatically the first thing that comes to my mind.  What's worse is that it's SO obvious, that I'm literally in a state of disbelief that I'm the only one smirking. 

I gotta be honest with you, I got so involved in that little flash-back that I totally forgot what we were talking about, so I'll just start a new paragraph and we'll pretend it didn't happen ok?  So, ok, I remember where I was going with this now, so, as I was cruising up/down Redwood Road, I started thinking about the opportunities that life provides.  Someone, the neighbor across the street one time I think paraphrased someone smarter than the 'tither of us when he said, "Good, Better, and Best.  You would like to do the, 'Good', and sometimes life provides something, 'Better', but if you don't focus on the, 'Best' you'll lose your way and miss the greatest opportunities life has for you because you allowed yourself to be derailed by something that wasn't the best use of your time."  So, that's not a direct quote, but I put it into quotations anyhow, because I'm paraphrasing his paraphrasal of something a guy said once that may or may not have been a church leader type.  So, it's kind of like Japanese tourists.  When you develop the film, all you've got is a picture of a guy taking a picture, of a guy taking a picture of a guy taking a picture.  Now (to blow your mind) if THAT guy, takes a picture of the original picture guy...well it sorta completes the circuit.  It's a lot like the medicine cabinet in my mom's house.  You can fold up the left side, fold up the right side, and stick your head in it, and see yourself around every corner.  Man am I glad I don't do drugs.  THIS is the kind of shiz that goes on behind the curtain folks.  NEVERMIND the Man Behind the Curtain!

Where were we?  Yes, so I got thinking about life being like a bus, my bus of course is probably set in the 1960's where everyone on the bus was relatively clean and free of neck tattoo's and in sepia tone.  Most of my made up movie shorts are in sepia tone by the way.  Except maybe the one I dreamed up of being on a bullet bike doing 135 mph to Metallica's, Nothing Else Matters.  Anyhow, some people dream about flying, I dream about dreaming.  Whatever, dontchu judge me.  So, I imagine on this bus, or maybe a train. In fact, let's make this train in the 1950's and let's make it the same train that Lois Lane was on when Superman (aka Clark Kent) was showing off for Lana Lang and sped to the intersection after BRAD was such a douche to him on the football field.  So, Lois is cruising along and sees a vision (aka Super Clark) go past her window, and you see in the reflections simultaneously her then pre-teen face and him tearing' up the County Road and somehow not dusting up his white tenny-runners.  Well that's sometimes how I think I feel about life.  We're all traveling on this train, to a destination we have a loose idea about, watching out the window at opportunities flying by.  Occasionally we get spiteful, angry, hurt, or some other emotion at all the things we COULD be.  We say to ourselves, "I should be a doctor, I'm smart enough;" or "I should be an attorney, they make a lot of money"; or, "I wish I was a teacher, I wish I had influence and money wasn't that big of a deal to me."  Each one of these opportunities are advertised as fleeting and if we don't grab hold of them, we'll speed to the end of life and wish we had.  I've felt like this a lot to be honest with you.

Lucky for me though, periodically I think God gives takes  a little pity on me and when I'm going the right direction throws in a warm feeling and a literal vision of some future event and what that's going to feel like when I get there.  I think the last time it happened to me was in Fort Jackson, South Carolina a year or so ago.  I was driving to the PX (Shopping Center on Post) and there were all these little troopies.  BRAND new minted Soldiers, all in their Class A's with their parents.  So proud of their one Basic Training Ribbon.  All of them carrying a plastic shopping sack and sitting down to eat a slice of pizza with mom and dad whom came from Albany, or otherwise to see their little Johnny or Suzy graduate.  So as I pulled around to park, soaking in all this familial bliss, I had a vision.  It was Stacey and I right back here in six years.  Josh was graduating Basic Training and I was in my dress blues, as a Lieutenant Colonel.    It was so real, so vibrant a day dream that I knew it would come to fruition.  My point is, I think the Lord gives me these little snippets to keep me on track.  I'm a guy who needs to know where we're going before I set out.  At least one of the four cardinal directions would be of help.  But sometimes, I find myself on this train, looking out that sepia tone window, (all the women are wearing white gloves and red dresses with white polka dots too mind you.  Nothing like a gal that's every part the lady during the day, and every part the ...sorry, I got lost again....point is, if I focus too long on the opportunities speeding by, I get lost.

So, today I had the opportunity to turn around and head back home and call in sick.  Something I NEVER do unless I'm actually sick.  I had the opportunity to drive all the way to Arizona to some place warmer and turn my back on  all the responsibility, the heartache, the sleepless nights, and, unfortunately, all the happiness at the last ½ hour in our 24 hours of challenge day. But, like the song that started this whole line of thinking, "in the morning I'm leavin' making my way back to Cleveland".  Cleveland in this case is representative of our cumulative responsibilities.  It's indicative of who we have to be to accomplish the things that we need to.  Cleveland is that mystical land at the end of the tracks which is laid out for us.  Our job, is to watch some of the opportunities out the window and try not to lose focus.  Now, if you look at the implied meaning of, "Cleveland" well, how does that compare to walking on the sand barefoot, and listening to a band in someplace warmer?  Well, it doesn't.  And if you're REALLY paying attention, you realize that ol' Kenny is aware of that, but he's also aware, that this temporary segue goes nowhere.  That this ISNT his life. This ISNT his purpose.  He doesn't exactly know why Cleveland holds his life, but what he DOES know is that this fleeting moment, as impressive a detour as it is, really isn't what's BEST for him.  And that's the real challenge isn't it? Staying focused long enough to see our way through to our destination.  All along, as we drift off looking through that sepia haze, once in a while, we see ourselves.  We're sitting on a folding chair, a little older, a little wiser, watching the fruits of our labor marching on a parade field, standing straighter and taller than he ever has before.  Finally become the man that his mother and father hoped for.  I'm guessing that no matter how good it felt to walk along watching the summer sun fall out of site, it can't possibly hold a candle to watching a son embark on a life of goodness, potentially greatness.  It that temporary segue that derails us, it can't wash over us, become us, define us, with the, "Better" because life is so very tenuous and fleeting, we really truly only have time for the, "Best."

Hey listen, I gotta skedaddle. I've got stuff going on and now that the sun's up I may as well make a day of it. You have a wonderful day and I'll see you next time we get the chance.  Meanwhile, do Good things. Try and be a little, Better.  Before you know it, you'll be enjoying life's Best.

 

Have a great Army Day,

 

J

 

Happy New Year 2013

Hey guys. Yeah, it's me again Margaret.  What are you wearin'?  Seriously if you get that joke you're over forty, or boring, or both.  But you're in good company.  So how've you been?  It's been a while since I had a moment to sit down and sketch something out.  Busy busy right?  So, I just got back from le yim, wherein I did my very first workout of the New Year.  Which, since I was up so bright and early, and I figured in about a half hour the whole world would come unglued, I figured I'd better jot some things down before time got away from us again.

So here goes.  Well, first off, let me just put in a disclaimer.  About that workout I just alluded to.  I just want you to know this isnt another one of those flash-in-the-pan ideas of mine.  I've been working out pretty regularly for....well a while now.  But I've endeavored to be a little more responsible with my lunch money and goofing off throughout the week.  Which, sorta led to, how can we be more careful with our money, which led to some life decisions, which led to eating more healthy...really, it's a circle of sorts. I can sketch it out for you, but just take, The Circle of Life, and switch out, "Death" and, "Taxes" for, "Gas $", and "Dog Poop".

I should esplain.  So, you may have heard we found a new home for Maggie.  Broke my heart because I loved that dog, but every day I'd come home and she'd be out of water, the back yard would reek of dog-squeeze (huge piles of it too), the dog would come into the house to clean the floor after dinner, and go right back out again, then get relegated to the basement for the night.  Repeat this about 364 days a year for the past....well for a while now.  So, backing up even further (interesting choice of words), someone ran over the cat a couple months ago, and I had to put it down (with the .22 cal Euthenasia Kit).  This was of course AFTER the cat whizzed all over my ATV cover, the giant Love Sac bean bag, and I think on my stuff in the garage.  Anyhow, I wasnt all heart broken over that opportunity to be honest with ya.  So, then I sold the ATV (not because of the urine mind you) and garnered a whopping six hundred bones, which, a day later I had to hand back to Home Depot for an upright freezer after our chest freezer crapped out on us two days after loading it full of my elk, and half of Brandon's elk.  Wait, are we going forward or backward? I feel like Chevy Chase's character on Funny Farm writing about the perfect heist with poker buddies knocking over a casino....

Anyhow, so moving forward, with a new paragraph anyhow, I sold Big Green, and I landed myself a genuine Honda product for-to-which ta drive to work.  I've been very pleased with both Honda Pilots that Stacey's had, and so, foregoing all the bells and whistles (I'm cheap) I snagged myself a power-window, power lock, 40 mph Goober Mobile.  But the goodnews, is that at the end of the lease, should we decide to buy it outright, Josh will be driving, so I may as well let him and his siblings scratch the side of it up the next three years with their bikes.  Plus, looking at the thing, that back seat is awefully cramped, and barring him dating a Chinese Gymnast, it should be fairly ok to let him take on dates and what-not.  More of the, "not" and less of the, "What" mind you.  So, Big Green went the way of the buffalo, and along with it, any hope I ever had of retaining my masculinity I suppose.  Well until Spring.  I am still not sold on this Ford Excursion idea Stacey is cooking up, I think I'll finagle a way to replace the pickup with our taxes now that that whole pesky Fiscal Cliff thing has been put to bed.  Thank GOODNESS I'm not a top 2 percenter, THAT would suck!

Where were we?  Uh, anyhow, so, just plugging along.  Making plans, I'm going to call the septic tank guy here in a couple of weeks and get on the docket for putting that at the lot this Spring, then I'm going to try and bulldog the money I'm not spending on gas anymore away from Stacey and put a bunk house (aka "shed" if the County is askin') up there as well.  Maybe a nice concrete pad, bed bath and beyond...anyhow, we've carved ourselves out a pretty good couple of Saturdays.

So, meanwhile, we wait.  I've been reading my scriptures, I've been sayin' my prayers, doing my Home Teaching, paying tithing, all the stuff you read about in the manuals and life's still just as challenging as it ever was.  I think what I want to work on this year, (and this is NOT a resolution) is patience.   I just plain SUCK at patience.  Patience with my kids, patience with my spouse, patience at work...all of it.  I find sometimes I just plain go bonkers at home over things that are astounding that we're covering again for the 800th time again.  But I guess that's the Refiner's Fire I've heard so much about.  I'd like to be kind, like my Grandpa.  I'd like to feel like I have my good name again in the community.  I'd like to be someone people can rely on to do the right thing no matter what the personal cost, perceived or actual.  I'd like to have balance.  I'd like to learn to be thankful for what I have, and not upset that I don't have what I should have until I have it.  (read that two or three times to make sure it makes sense).  I'd like to be honest in all things. I've tried, and it plain sucks sometimes.  I'd like to not to judge people so harshly when the little B.S. Tachometer gets close to redlining.  I almost gave you an example which would, ironically, undo what I'm trying to do.  Anyhow, I'd like to be more thoughtful, more caring, more patient, more Christlike.  But believe me, I have a LONG way to go.  A LONG LONG way to go.

Anyhow kids, I better button this up and climb in the shower.  It's going to be one of those at-home family patience building Federal Holiday days again.  If I dont see you around, I'll see you, and if I do, I see you there too.

Anyhow, all the best to you and yours, warmest regards, and a pinch on the heiney 'cause I ain't fixed quite yet.

XxOo, xOOoXXO,


J